Transparent and Still Mine: highly recommended

I'm always hungry for films that portray aging and relationships insightfully, teaching me something new and unexpected.

Amazon Prime jolted me recently with two stellar offerings -- one series and one film -- that feature aging characters who don't fit any of the stereotypes. Both affected me profoundly, and I recommend them to you:

Transparent

At 68, Mort (played masterfully by Jeffrey Tambor) comes out as a trans woman who wants to be called Maura. In this sweet, smart, and strongly acted ensemble series, we see the strengths and vulnerabilities of Mort/Maura and a family of ex-wife and three adult children -- who make a ton of relationship mistakes of their own.

This 10-episode series resolves many questions and leaves enough unanswered to allow for a second season, which is in the works -- hurray!

Yes, there's lots of sex in Transparent, but (boo) only Maura's children are having it. Maura is more interested in establishing her identity and being accepted by her family than in having sex with anyone -- at least in season 1. Will this change in the second season?

Still Mine

Craig (James Cromwell) is watching Irene (Geneviève Bujold), his wife of 61 years, lose her memory. He loves her fiercely and wants to protect her by building a house that will be easier for her to live in.

Although Craig has been building houses his whole life, he's no match for the bureaucracy that insists on permits and strict adherence to building codes that are irrelevant to Craig  (the plans are in his head; the lumber came from a tree he felled; the knowledge came from his father and a lifetime of craftsmanship and self-sufficiency).

The love and chemistry between Craig and Irene are powerful. The tenderness in their loving looks and caresses will make you applaud or cry or both. And rather than portray this elderly couple as sexless, there's a sexy undressing scene early in the film that includes, "This never gets old. We always did passion well."

This film is based on real people and actual events. Don't miss it.




What films have you watched that portrayed aging and relationships in a non-stereotypical way? I look forward to your recommendations.

Sexy Seniors' Holiday Gift Guide 2014

Searching for a sexy gift for your lover or yourself?

2014 has been a great year for innovative sex toys! Here are my favorites from December 2013 to December 2014:

Palm Power: New favorite vibrator! Drum roll, please: Introducing the Palm Power, a lightweight, ergonomically designed product that packs so much power into a small, silicone topped vibrator that it jumped to #1 on my personal Hit Parade the first time I used it. And the second time. And... you get the picture. I continue to be amazed at how a vibrator this small can deliver such intense vibrations. With the different caps available, this vibrator is versatile for any gender body.

Doxy - a power tool: Oh my. I wouldn't have imagined that a vibrator this strong existed. I don't even need to take it to the highest power setting to send me spinning into space. Even the low settings are strong and they're rumbly rather than buzzy. A really strong wand vibrator. If you or your loved one needs extra power, Doxy delivers.



Men, you'll love the Pulse! Presenting... The Pulse, a pulsing, oscillating, amazing vibrator for men that does not require an erection for his pleasure! That's right -- unlike other vibrating "sleeves," the penis does not have to be hard to start enjoying it. Spread open the flexible flaps, rest your penis in it, turn it on, and enjoy the sensations. The Pulse is the perfect gift for the penis in your life.

Iroha: Cutest Vibrators Ever. The Iroha Rechargeable Silicone Vibrators, available in three styles and shapes, are adorable and cushy. I want to cuddle and squeeze them. And yes, they're dynamic little vibrators -- though not turbo power. The vibrator has a cushy layer, covered by a body-safe silicone skin. It's not soft through and through (there's a motor in there) -- just a layer -- so you can press firmly and feel just a little cushioning, or press lightly, and it all feels soft. Delightful.

Minna Limon: Cute, Squeezable Vibrator. I like my new Minna Limon so much that I'm starting to think of it almost as a pet rather than a product. It's cute, touchable, squeezable, fun to play with, and responsive. But no, it's not a pet -- it's a vibrator, and it's a delight. This is a great gift for a loved one, a pal, or yourself. It works like this: Power it on with the button, then squeeze the sides of the Limon. The harder you squeeze, the stronger the intensity, though it never gets super strong. 

Original Magic Wand + Accessories. The Magic Wand has been around since the 1970s, almost as long as I've been having vibrator-assisted orgasms, and it's been responsible for a good many of them. It was called the Hitachi Magic Wand until recently. (I reviewed it here.) Now, after Hitachi sold distribution rights to Vibratex, it's the Original Magic Wand. So the new Magic Wand is called the "original," and it's as strong as ever -- and much less pricey than most quality sex toys.

If you'd like to give a sex-themed gift that isn't a vibrator, consider 

an autographed copy of one of my books (I'll fill orders fast), or pre-order my brand new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty: How to Maintain – or Regain – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life, coming in January.

Need a stocking stuffer? 

• An elegant bottle or refillable case of Überlube, a superbly comfortable, slick, long-lasting, silicone lubricant. (Fine with condoms, not with silicone sex toys.) You can even use it to style your hair or eliminate chafing during sports.


• Condom sampler from Lucky Bloke: great variety, including some brands you've never heard of. And don't you want to do business with a company whose motto is "Have more sex and save the world"?


• Blossom Organics Natural Moisturizing Lubricant or Warm Sensation Lubricant, pH balanced for female bodies. (Fine with condoms and with silicone sex toys.) If she likes arousal gels, the Pure Pleasure Arousal Gel is, as it claims, pure pleasure, adding an extra tingle!

For More Senior Sex News and Views...

A new book coming out in January... regular Sex At Our Age articles for Senior Planet... speaking gigs all over the country... a gazillion yet-to-be-answered emails from readers -- with all that's going on, you may notice gaps of two weeks or more between posts.

That doesn't mean that I'm ignoring my mission to keep the conversation going about boomer and older-age sexuality -- quite the contrary! I'm using my Naked at Our Age Facebook page to give you quick senior sex news and views and links to articles of interest to sex-positive seniors. You'll also find questions I'd love to hear you discuss and occasional rants from me.

Here are some of the topics we've been discussing there:

• Single seniors: What has made you cringe that you've viewed or read on a dating profile?
• The lack of older adults in sexuality research.
• What does your favorite porn say about you?
• Men try sex toys for the first time video -- our guys grumble about the message.
• Sex blogger Erica Jagger's gynecologist says sex ends for women at 65.
• A midlife man talks about his body and posing nude.
• A Danish magazine interviews me about sex toys for seniors.

If you're not following my Naked at Our Age Facebook page yet, visit the page, "like" it, comment on anything that grabs you, and visit often.

Don't assume that you'll automatically see that page in your news feed, even after you've "liked" it, though. Only a small percentage of the page's followers do, because Facebook wants to encourage (strong arm) me to pay to promote the page. You can circumvent that problem by doing this:

1. Go to my Naked at Our Age Facebook page.
2. "Like" it if you haven't already.
3. Hover your cursor over the "liked" button to get a drop-down menu. Click "get notifications." 

Aha, now you'll  receive a notification from Facebook every time I update the page. (Thank you, Eva Gantz of Giving Books a Voice: Helping authors get smart about social media, for explaining this to me.)

Yes, I'll continue to write this blog with topics that need more length and depth than a Facebook update allows. In fact, I have about five different posts in the hopper that I need to finish. Meanwhile, see you on Facebook?

Iroha Mikazuki and Minamo: soft, slender, gentle vibrators

Squishy soft, slim, and ergonomically designed to embrace the vulva, the Iroha Mikazuki and Minamo will delight women who need or prefer a slender and gentle vibrator.

These smooth silicone vibrators can be inserted vaginally or used externally over the clitoris and surrounding area. (It is not designed for anal insertion.)

Differences:

• Mikazuki is a soft yellow color and has a smooth, slightly curved shape. The tip is soft and squishy; the rest has just a bit of cushion. The tip is .7 inch in diameter, progressing to 1.1" midway to 1.4" just above the controls.  


• Minamo is light blue and has a wavy shape. The waves and tip are soft and squishy. The tip is .9" in diameter, progressing to 1.3" at the larger wave. 

Pros:

• Slender, smooth, and soft enough for vaginal insertion by many women who experience pain or discomfort with penetration and for external comfort on older, thinner genital skin. (Of course, use plenty of water-based lubricant.)
• Can fit easily between bodies for extra clitoral stimulation during partner sex.
• Controls are easy to see and use, even with lubed fingers. Use the big button to turn it on and progress through higher intensities; use the little button to decrease intensity or turn it off. You don't even need your reading glasses!
• Body-safe, high-quality materials.
• Rechargeable.



Demo of squishy tip

• Waterproof for use in the tub or shower.

Cons:

• Although the settings are supposed to be low, medium, high, and pulse, the highest setting is what I would call medium. It's not powerful enough for those of us who need really strong vibrations.
• Because they're shaped for both external and internal use, the shape does not easily find the G-spot when used internally. 
• Expensive (but you're paying for high-quality materials and design).

These rechargeable vibrators come in a storage case that is also a charging case. Plug the cord via USB or wall adapter.  Note that when it's charging, a steady light will stay on. That confused me (until I read the directions), because most rechargeable vibrators display a pulsing light while charging, and a steady light when fully charged. Not these.

Is one of these vibrators for you? Yes, if you want a toy that is slimmer and softer than most. (Many of you have told me that most vibrators are too girthy or hard.) No, if you need powerful vibrations or larger girth.

(See also my review of the Iroha Midori, Yuki, and Sakura, the cutest vibrators ever.)

Thank you, Good Vibrations, for sending me the Iroha Mikazuki and Minamo  to review.

Foria -- get your vulva high on cannabis

"Foria. The First Marijuana Infused Personal Lubricant for Her Pleasure" - from the Foria website.

What would happen if you took coconut oil and infused it with THC, the active ingredient in marijuana,  then you rubbed that on your clitoris and labia and in your vagina, waited 30 to 60 minutes, and then had sex? 

Here's how one woman in our community, age 70, described the experience:

I tried this product with a large dose of skepticism at first, but oh my god, I haven't had orgasms this intense for decades. It doesn't increase my arousal or bring me to orgasm faster, but once orgasm creeps up on me, it's more powerful and much deeper than what I've been experiencing as an older woman.

Over the past couple of months, I've continued to use Foria for special occasions -- I don't want to run out too fast! I use it for solo pleasure mostly. It's not condom-compatible, and I only have partner sex with condoms, so except for one lovely "hands only" partner encounter, I've reserved my dates with Foria for self-pleasuring. 

I continue to love this product! As I said, it doesn't affect arousal or decrease the time I need -- I can't even tell it's working until I actually reach orgasm. Then, it makes the orgasm feel deeper, fuller, and way stronger. I wish it were legal everywhere so every woman in our age group who is experiencing muted orgasms could try it.

Yeah, I wish it were legal everywhere, too, and without a medical marijuana prescription. Right now, Foria, a combination of coconut oil and THC (cannabis) oil, used on vulvas for sexual enhancement, is only available for residents of California with a physician statement and recommendation letter for the use of medical marijuana.

Have any of you used Foria? I'd like some opinions/experiences from other people who have tried it, especially (though not exclusively) from our 50-80+ age group. Contact me privately if you don't want to identify publicly, and I'll post for you.

If you tried it but you hesitate to make a public statement because you don't qualify for legal use, I'd still like to hear from you and will keep your info confidential. Email me with "Foria" in the subject line.

This post will be expanded once I gather more personal experiences. I hope to hear from you!

(This post was originally published October 2, 2014. I expanded it after the woman quoted above added to her original comments.)

Doxy - a power tool

When Roylin Downs, owner of Trystology, told me that I had to try the Doxy Wand, I believed her. She knows my preference for intense vibrators, even if that means that they're heavy and need to be plugged in.

Oh my. I wouldn't have imagined that a vibrator this strong existed. I don't even need to take it to the highest power setting to send me spinning into space. Even the low settings are strong and they're rumbly rather than buzzy. If you cycle from the lowest to the highest setting, it sounds like a plane taking off.

Doxy vs length of my arm.

Be aware that when you first turn it on, it doesn't start at the lowest setting, but at higher than mid-point. From there, use the "+" or "-" to turn it up or down. There's also a pulse setting activated by holding down the power button for two seconds, then releasing, but I have to admit that I didn't bother with that.

What can I say? It works hard, and it works quickly, even for this almost 71-year-old, slow-burning  woman.

I generally prefer vibrators that are easy on arthritic wrists -- this one is not. It's heavy, it's huge, and I would be in pain from trying to hold it for any length of time. However, that's irrelevant, because it works so fast that my wrist barely notices. Yes, it's that good.

"But how does it compare to the Magic Wand?" you're asking. It's bigger. ("Bigger?! No way!" Yes, bigger.) And heavier. The cord is longer. All those sound bad, but it's not bad because all that size is necessary for the power it delivers.

As far as intensity goes, the Doxy feels stronger, but it may just seem that way because the head is larger and covers more territory.

I also like Doxy's head more than the Magic Wand's because Doxy is more cushy. Strong and soft are a great combination.

The head is made of medical grade PVC, according to the tiny, mini-font instruction booklet. I didn't know that PVC plastic can be medical-grade, but I looked it up, and it's phthalate-free and used for things like oxygen bags, drainage bags, and medical tubing. I know that doesn't sound very sexy  except to my fellow sex geeks who get excited at learning about sex toys made of body-safe materials.

You can use water-based or silicone-based lubricants with Doxy, but not oil-based lubes.

No pouch included, which is shameful. An expensive sex toy should always come with its own pouch, especially since you're not likely to have anything around large enough to store it in. Maybe a knee-high sock, if you happen to have a spare. Doxy comes in a cardboard box that's even more enormous than it requires -- not the best storage solution unless you have a large, empty drawer.

The mini-instruction booklet has all the requisite warnings -- don't use under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or on inflamed skin, or if pregnant, or in water, etc. The warning that makes no sense to me is this: "Do not use... if you are under the age of 16." Why the heck not? I wish I had owned this vibrator when I was 15!

Thank you, Roylin and Trystology, for sending me the Doxy Wand, highly recommended for all of us who need extra power in our sex toys and have room in our drawer for a 15-inch-long vibrator! Available in white or black.

Dating After 50, 60, 75 -- Making Our Own Rules

"Online Dating Over 50: The Rules of The Game" on Huffington Post began,

Monica Porter, who dated "dangerously" for a year, shares nine top tips to help protect yourself, including: don't believe anything, be careful who you get into bed with and split the check. If you're looking for romance through online dating, make skepticism your starting point, says Monica. 

Sure, "be careful whom you get in bed with" and "split the check" are reasonable, whatever your age and whether you're dating online or some other way. But the negative attitude overall made me cringe For example,

Rule #1 of dating over 50: Don't believe anyone. Emotionally, you need to construct a wall around yourself which nobody can penetrate until you believe it to be safe. People will plunder your emotions without compunction if you let them. It is up to you keep them locked up, like jewels.

Really? I've been online dating for a while now, and though I have my own frustrations with it (see my advice to men here), fearing that my precious emotions will be plundered if I don't lock them up is not one of them.

Personally, I think that most people of our age who are using online dating sites are looking for love/ lust/ sex/ adventure/ friendship/ companionship, or some combination of these; feel as vulnerable as we do; and have good intentions. Am I naive?

Isn't the point of a first date  to know each other enough to decide whether we want a second date? Isn't part of that being ourselves, talking openly, and, yes, risking a little? I've met people who have their emotions locked up, and I have no interest in dating them.

I invited the fans of my Naked at Our Age Facebook page to weigh in. Boy howdy, were you willing! Here are some of your points:

Janet, 55: I agree, it is very negative. If you go into online dating with fear and negativity, that is what you will attract. I suggest: Know yourself, be clear about what you expect from the site, be clear on the qualities of a date you are seeking, be ruthlessly honest because you have nothing to lose -- you don't want to waste time in a charade. This is the time of life to be real. Be you, be positive, have fun and you will attract what you put out.

Dana, 62: I tried online dating and it seemed like every man I met had a laundry list, and I was too short, not brunette, too chunky, not enough like their ex wife, too much like their ex wife, too independent, not independent enough, too sexual, too frigid, and on and on. They had this woman pictured in their mind and were looking for her and her alone. My strongest recommendation would be not to make snap judgments at the first meeting. Be willing to let things unfold, be curious. Resist the temptation to judge a book by its cover. Just relax and don't be on the hunt for your "soul mate" (whatever the heck that is). Find a true friend, a joyful companion, a kind soul and be nice. Let life, God, the universe, fate (whatever you want to call it) choose for you.

Jim, 58: As negative as it may be, is the article accurate? I say, for the most part, yes. Photos are old, many of them are of flowers, their dog, whatever. Would it be nice for a woman to offer to help pay for a nice dinner? Never happens. Not that I would accept it either, but the offer would be nice. I think we all have preconceived notions of what we want, but I agree that you need to let things flow. I find that many women aren't ready to date, let alone have a new relationship. After 3-4 dates, it's "I just don't think I'm ready," or "my ex BF is really trying to be a better man so I'm going to go back and give it another try," or "I thought I was ready but now I'm not sure."

Ruth, 67: I think the Huff Post article is valid to some extent -- don't believe anybody! It doesn't mention that you can ask for a reference after you've met someone for the first time and before you hop into bed with them. You can find out about the person's honesty and relationship history from someone else's point of view. I don't agree with the statement, "If you meet someone you fancy, by all means enjoy good, fun sex. But - hard-nosed as it sounds, and I can't pretend it's always easy - take the emotion out of it or you will be hurt over and over again." I can't take the emotion out of sex and I'm not sure many people can.

Paula Ellen, 53: I find the photo with the article pretty offensive. Why isn't there a photo of a 60-year-old, gray-haired woman with a thirty-something male? Jesus.

Brian, 64 : I'm a verbal guy, I'm not interested in profiles without a lot of writing either in the profile essays, or in the explanations of the questions on OKCupid. That's where I gauge such things as sense of humor, care for others, and intellectual curiosity. I wonder what women are thinking when they post a profile picture showing them scowling or otherwise looking unhappy. My correspondents tell me that they get tons of messages from men on the model of "Hi beautiful, what's up?" (That sort is the more tasteful) I can't give advice on how to handle this, except to put clearly in your profile something that you ask for a comment on, if only to see if someone actually read it. I sent a woman one of my usual cheerleading notes, telling her how much I loved her profile and wishing her good luck. Six months later, we've got a very fine romance going, despite the long distance. As it happened, one of my lovers had just said goodbye for reasons best known to her, and I had some time/energy to spare. So, be careful what you don't ask for. You may get it.

Ashton, 62: I agree that that article is way too negative. I'm a fan of OK Cupid and I think you need to go into it open-minded rather than paranoid. My #1 rule of online dating is to meet sooner rather than later.

Cyril, 65: While I agree that the wording is negative and excessively emphasizes the need for caution, we should not be gullible or leave ourselves open to exploitation, whether by a date or a rogue trader. Simply put, make sure they have earned your trust before you open up.

Chuck: I'm 74 and my honey is 78. We met on JDate two years ago. The obvious catalyst is honesty--and candor. We got the heavy lifting done on our first date (my alcoholism and depression, her husband's dementia) and moved on from there. Respecting one another's history and allowing space for individualism, these have worked so well for us.

What do you think? I welcome your comments. (Please include your age.)