Senior Sex Research: Here's what I'd like to know

When I started writing about senior sex in 2005, it was difficult to find studies about sex and aging. It's somewhat better now, though still limited. Researchers are more open to including our age group, but I wonder if they're asking the right questions.

I'm not looking for statistics, such as how many of us are having sex. Doesn't that depend on (a) how the researchers and the subjects define "having sex" and (b) whether we have what we need (partner, privacy, physical ability, emotional intimacy) to have the kind of sex we want?

I'd like to see research into how we think about sex now, what determines quality of sex, what's missing in our sexual worlds, what we're learning about sex and about ourselves during our later years.

So while we're waiting for the right research to be done, here are some questions for you if you're over 50, 60, 70 and beyond:

1. If a researcher asked if you are "sexually active," how would you answer? What would you mean by that answer?

2. How has the definition of "what is sex?" changed or evolved for you over time? What did it used to mean? What does it mean now? What made your definition change (if it changed)?

3. If you could be in any kind of sexual relationship you wanted, what would it be? Never mind how you might be judged -- what would be ideal for the real you, maybe the secret you?

4. What would you like to tell our society about sex and aging?


I asked the good folks who follow my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, "If researchers wandered over here to learn what studies we'd like to see conducted about sex and aging, what would you suggest?" Here are some of their suggestions:

• Studies toward normalizing serial monogamous relationships. As we age, the chances are that we will lose our partner. When that happens, it should be easier to establish new relationships without feeling that we are betraying the partner who has died. We don't have to give up our former love in order to love another person. I think we can keep the truth and warmth of the past love, have an additional love or two, without feeling that we have violated the truth of the first. 
• I'd love to see more of an in-depth study on how illness/ disability/ aging affect our sexuality and sex lives.
• How about a serious, non-judgmental look at the multi-faceted, complicated reasons for diminished libido as we age? (hormonal, psychological, physiological) Why it affects some and not others and methods - again multi-faceted - for those who indeed want to revitalize their libido.
• Can ingrained sexual scripts be changed enough so that new ways of "having sex" aren't seen as less satisfying than former ways? 
• What is the most effective way to help older adults get on board with safer sex? 
• The best ways to empower older adults to set, communicate, and respect sexual boundaries.
• I'm fascinated by what seems to be a growing popularity of open marriages or open relationships in the over 50 crowd. Is this just anecdotal or have others noticed it too? 
• Re-defining what "satisfying sex" is to align better with how bodies change with age. This could go hand-in-hand with the ever-popular yet hardly discussed question, "What is sex?" It can be so many things. 
• Seniors discovering and accepting polyamory.

I'm eager to hear from you, whether you'd like to answer one of my questions or add to the list of what researchers should study. Please post a comment and include your real age. You can choose any name you want when you comment, so be creative and please choose something other than "Anonymous"! (Choose "Name/URL" from the comment drop-down menu. You can then type the name of your choice, and you do not need to include a URL.)

Let's keep talking. The conversation has just begun!

P.S. When I invite you to comment, I'm inviting you -- real people -- to share your personal views. I'm not inviting ads for escort services, ED "cures," porn sites, or other commercial enterprises. And I don't need to be told to repent -- not gonna happen. I shouldn't have to say any of this, but the number of comments I have to delete indicates otherwise. [I know, the trolls and robots aren't even reading this, but I have to try.]  

Seniors: How (and what) is your sex life?

It occurs to me that after 11 years of talking out loud (shouting, insisting, cajoling, writing) about senior sex, the questions that interviewers ask me have become quite intelligent and open-minded.

When I first started this work, interviewers would ask elementary questions (e.g. "Is it true that seniors are having sex?") and would often place a value judgement on what they heard (e.g. "Yeah, but eeuuww, the idea of my parents/grandparents having sex...!")

But now, however young the interviewer is, there's an open attitude, a nonjudgmental striving to understand. It's not such an odd idea anymore that we aren't retiring our genitals at some arbitrary age. This is progress! Or am I just lucky enough to be interviewed by smarter, more sex-positive interviewers?

One topic that interviewers find endlessly fascinating is that we're not settling into old age passively or predictably. Many of us decide that it's time to go after what we want, whether or not it's what we used to want or ever thought we'd want.

I wrote about this in the "Stretching Boundaries" chapter of  The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50, and many of you contributed your experiences in the "Off the Beaten Path: Nontraditional Sex Practices and Relationships" in Naked at Our Age. I'm often asked, "What percentage of seniors are into kink?" or "Are many seniors polyamorous?" or "Are most seniors happier with their sex lives than they were when they were young?" I sometimes answer, "I don't collect statistics -- I collect stories."

Yes, some studies have been done, but more often than not, research and surveys either overlook our generation entirely or only study straight relationships and define sex as heterosexual intercourse, which is just one form of sexual expression. I don't think that our generation is being asked the right questions about what we do, what we want, and how we feel about it.

So I'm opening this up to you: If you're over 50 (lots older is fine!) and you find that your ideas have changed about what you want your sex life to be, please feel free to comment with your views and especially how those views have changed in recent years. Please give yourself a first name (doesn't have to be real) instead of "Anonymous" and include your real age. (If you have any trouble posting a comment, email me with the subject line "blog comment: how and what" and include what you want to say, what name you want to use, and your age, and I'll post it for you.)

I started this discussion on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, which I hope you'll read, "like," and share. Thanks!



Learn more about my most recent book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50. Order here for an autographed copy, purchase from your local independent bookstore, or order from Amazon.

For More Senior Sex News and Views...

A new book coming out in January... regular Sex At Our Age articles for Senior Planet... speaking gigs all over the country... a gazillion yet-to-be-answered emails from readers -- with all that's going on, you may notice gaps of two weeks or more between posts.

That doesn't mean that I'm ignoring my mission to keep the conversation going about boomer and older-age sexuality -- quite the contrary! I'm using my Naked at Our Age Facebook page to give you quick senior sex news and views and links to articles of interest to sex-positive seniors. You'll also find questions I'd love to hear you discuss and occasional rants from me.

Here are some of the topics we've been discussing there:

• Single seniors: What has made you cringe that you've viewed or read on a dating profile?
• The lack of older adults in sexuality research.
• What does your favorite porn say about you?
• Men try sex toys for the first time video -- our guys grumble about the message.
• Sex blogger Erica Jagger's gynecologist says sex ends for women at 65.
• A midlife man talks about his body and posing nude.
• A Danish magazine interviews me about sex toys for seniors.

If you're not following my Naked at Our Age Facebook page yet, visit the page, "like" it, comment on anything that grabs you, and visit often.

Don't assume that you'll automatically see that page in your news feed, even after you've "liked" it, though. Only a small percentage of the page's followers do, because Facebook wants to encourage (strong arm) me to pay to promote the page. You can circumvent that problem by doing this:

1. Go to my Naked at Our Age Facebook page.
2. "Like" it if you haven't already.
3. Hover your cursor over the "liked" button to get a drop-down menu. Click "get notifications." 

Aha, now you'll  receive a notification from Facebook every time I update the page. (Thank you, Eva Gantz of Giving Books a Voice: Helping authors get smart about social media, for explaining this to me.)

Yes, I'll continue to write this blog with topics that need more length and depth than a Facebook update allows. In fact, I have about five different posts in the hopper that I need to finish. Meanwhile, see you on Facebook?