The Nicest Online Dating Rejection Ever

What are your pet peeves and pet tips about dating as a senior?  When I give my "How the Heck Do I Date at This Age" workshops and when I blog about online dating, I always plead with people to do these things:

1. Tell the truth (about age, build, marital status)

2. Post a current photo without sunglasses

3. If someone messages you and you're not interested, give a courteous "no, thank you."

I keep hearing, "Yeah, but what do you say if you're not interested?" Don't lie. Do be polite. Do answer. (Ignoring someone is much more hurtful than anything you might say. However, if the initial message from him/her is inappropriate, feel free to ignore.)

My usual advice is this:  Make it clear, honest, and polite -- something like, "Thank you for writing, and I enjoyed reading your profile... [Insert something complimentary about the person's qualities/interests here.] However, I don't think we're a match. [No need to give reason, but you can if it's something specific and doesn't put the other person down.] Best wishes for finding what you seek.'"

Today I decided to expand the age range I was seeking to include age 50 to 73. (I'm 68, whatever that might mean to you.)  Before, I had the lower limit at 55, but I don't mind if the man is younger than that, as long as he is smart, fit, and interesting; matches my energy; and is attracted to older women.

A delightful, 51-year-old man came up in my search. We had much in common, and I found his photo very attractive. I wrote him a complimentary message, and ended with this: "...I know you say your upper age limit is 55 -- is that firm? See my profile and current photos before you answer."

He turned me down, but the way he said no prompted me to write this blog post. It's the nicest rejection  I've ever received, and it will become my new model of how to respond when not interested. He gave me permission to post it here, without identifying him in any way:

Thank you for writing, it's nice to be approached on occasion instead of doing all the outreach. (And I always respond, I can't stand it when I send an email and am not even afforded the courtesy of a "no".) I'm not absolutely firm on my age range, but honestly 68 is a bit beyond what I will consider. You sound like a live wire and a wonderful lady to get to know, and I wish you the best in finding someone who can match your spirit and energy.

See why I love this message? It's extremely complimentary -- he read my profile, he thinks I'm cool -- and he's honest about why he's saying no. Perfect. Thank you, not-to-be-identified man who inspired this post.

I welcome comments, especially if you have a nice way of saying, "No, thank you."

CatalystCon: celebrating sexuality

I'm basking in the joy of CatalystCon, a weekend of learning and sharing with other sex educators and self-proclaimed sex geeks. The mission of this event was "Sparking Communication in sexuality, activism and acceptance." Oh yes, mission accomplished.


Though most attendees were younger and I was the only speaker on senior sex, there were other people with grey hair (or they would have had grey hair had they not colored theirs). I felt total acceptance from all the people I met, even those decades younger. The sex-positive nature of the event conveyed this message to everyone: "I celebrate my own sexuality, sexuality in general, and your sexuality, no matter how different from mine yours might appear to be."

Megan Andelloux

I tried to choose from 40 sessions presented over two days, wishing I could attend them all. For every session I attended, there were four I had to miss.

Charlie Glickman

Some of my favorite sex educators featured in Naked at Our Age were speaking:  Carol Queen, Charlie Glickman, Megan Andelloux. There were names that inspire recognition and awe, such as Dr. Marty Klein.

 (Want your own "Sex Geek" shirt?  Order from Reid Mihalko here.)

I attended sessions where I'd learn information that you, dear sex-positive senior readers, would benefit from knowing, and others where I'd come away with plenty of "huh! I didn't know that!"

For example, the "Toxic Toys" session with Metis Black, founder of Tantus, high quality silicone sex toys; Jennifer Pritchett, founder of Smitten Kitten; and feisty educator and author, Ducky Doolittle. I was amazed by their stories of activism in an industry where sex toys used to be cheap, easily broken, and made of noxious materials that leached chemicals into our mucous membranes.  We have women like these three activists to thank for the safety and quality of sex toys today.


One of the most memorable speakers I heard was Buck Angel. Buck calls himself "a man with a vagina" -- he's a transgender man who elected to have top surgery but not bottom surgery.

As a child named Susan (but everyone called him Buck), he was a “total tomboy” and thought of himself as a boy. “Occasionally someone would say, ‘You’re a girl,” and I’d beat the crap out of them, and they’d say, ‘OK, you’re a dude,’” he says. “Everything was fine until at 15, puberty hit. Not puberty as a boy – but puberty as a girl. Here I am bleeding, my boobs are growing, I’m turning into a woman.”

He had his sex change 20 years ago, before female-to-male changes were done. He was the "guinea pig" for the surgeon who removed his breasts. “For years I hated what I was, and now I love it," he says.

Now Buck is 50 years old, a porn star (“the man with a pussy”), transgender activist, and motivational speaker. His past includes alcohol and drug addiction, modeling, hustling, attempted suicide, and death threats. “I should be dead," he says. "Why am I still here? Because I have a message to give the world: Deprogram yourself, and love your vagina.” Buck Angel's story is worthy of a  book. (Buck, do you need a ghostwriter?)

Carol Queen & Robert Lawrence

Another provocative session was "Why Talk about Sex and Disability?", co-presented by Robin Mandell and Dr. Robert Morgan Lawrence (who also gave a fascinating talk on "The Anatomy of Pleasure" with his partner Carol Queen).

Robin Mandell

Robin referred to people without disabilities as "temporarily able-bodied" and made the point that we have much to learn from sex-positive people with disabilities. Robert, who referred to himself as “old and crunchy,” jolted us all when he spread out all the medications he has to take for myriad medical challenges including pain that limits mobility. He has had to make many accommodations sexually as well as in other ways. “It took being crippled to realize that sex wasn’t penetration," he says.”

I had fun at a workshop learning to use the new version of the female condom, called the FC2. If your experience was with the first female condom, which felt and sounded like having sex with a shower curtain, you'll be happy to know the material is completely different now. It's great for folks of our age, because the penis can be inserted even if it’s not erect, and lube in the condom doesn’t dry up or get absorbed.It can also be used for anal sex for either gender, just remove the inner ring. One man in the workshop said it was a way "to feel bareback sensations while staying protected." (This video shows how to insert it and gives lots of info.)

Okay, the female condom does look funny (especially in this model with a dildo in it that we passed around -- should I not have shared this?), but the workshop leaders, Planned Parenthood sex educators Alma de Anda and Mayra Lizzette Yñiguez, advised us to give it three tries to discover how comfortable and empowering it is. They gave me a bunch of samples (three in a pack, to prove their point) to share with my workshop attendees!


My own session was titled "Senior Sex Out Loud," the story of my journey from high school English teacher to fitness professional/ health writer to sex educator/ senior sex advocate, with experiences along the way that were sometimes amusing, sometimes amazing, occasionally appalling. I started out wearing a jacket, but shed it when I talked about body acceptance. (Want to hear this speech yourself, or offer one of my workshops at your venue? I have a suitcase packed, would love to come to you. Please email me and let's talk.)


But CatalystCon was more than the knowledge, more than the networking, more than the opportunity for me to share what I do and how I feel about it, more than learning what other sex educators do and how they feel about it. It felt like a brave new world was possible, one in which acceptance and celebration reigned.

Imagine living in a society free of closed-minded people and repressive attitudes and policies, where we celebrate our similarities and our differences and are truly kind to each other. That was in the air at CatalystCon.

I applaud Dee Dennis, who conceived and birthed CataystCon; the sponsors who made it possible and affordable; the extraordinary speakers who were willing to donate their wisdom and incur their own travel expenses; and the attendees who were eager to absorb new knowledge, communicate openly (even those who wore the "I'm shy" wristbands that Reid gave out), and take our messages home. CatalystConWest will become a yearly event, and CatalystConEast will rock your world March 15-17, 2013 in Washington, DC.


As always, I welcome your comments.

Jimmyjane Iconic Rabbit Vibrator

Luxury vibrator company Jimmyjane has "curated" (as they put it) a collection of white vibrators of various types. Many thanks to Gasm.org for sending me the Iconic Rabbit for review.

 If you're new to the "rabbit" vibrator genre, that's the pet name (literally) that we give to dual-action vibrators that have both a phallic-looking section for insertion into the vagina and an outer, vibrating piece -- often shaped like a rabbit or other animal -- that flutters against the clitoris.

 I love the texture of the elastomer material of the Iconic Rabbit -- just the right degree of hard vs. squishy. Elastomer is body safe, free of chemicals that leach into the body. You can use either water-based or silicone lubricant with it.

I like the flexibility of the clitoral stimulator (the part that's shaped like a rabbit). You can press it closer or open it up more to land where you want. The fluttery ears can hug your clitoris, or you can tuck them under the bunny face and press the whole thing against your clitoris for extra vibration. It's mild to moderately strong, not a powerhouse, but no wimp, either.

My least favorite part of the Iconic Rabbit is the vibrating beads section. You don't see them, but the bulge at the bunny's eye level contains a bunch of vibrating beads. That could be fun, but it hits me right at the entrance when I position the bunny ears where I want them, and it's a wider and harder bulge of the vibrator, and that's not ideal. Just me, though, you might love that feature and the fit. The 5" of insertable length is mostly about 1.25" in diameter, except for the bulge of vibrating beads which is a bit more than 1.5".

Fortunately, the bunny and the shaft are independently powered. Insert three AA batteries (included), and slide the power button up or down for each. You can vibrate the heck out of the bunny. Meanwhile you can either keep the shaft vibrating on high, or turn it down to low or even off, if you want the feeling of fullness without internal vibrations or the beads swirling around.

It's tough to get the right "fit" with a rabbit. Is the insertable part exactly as deep as you like it when the clitoral part is positioned perfectly? There's no way to know before you try it. Too bad that there's no diagram with a ruler or tape measure showing exactly how far everything is from each other. Too bad they're not adjustable, too, though I know that would be problematic, with seams in places you don't want seams if it's made to telescope to different lengths.

It surprises me that as expensive as Jimmyjane products are, a storage pouch is not included with this Rabbit. A box, yes, but if you're got a lot of toys (you do, don't you?) you don't have space to store boxes. The elastomer is wonderful to the touch, but it picks up lint, dust, and cat hairs like a magnet -- and that's right out of the box, before any private use. It's easily washable --just be careful that the battery area doesn't get wet.

Are you familiar with Gasm.org? This site celebrates "the female orgasm, the experts, the products, and you." I'm interviewed here about orgasms after menopause, and you'll also find a video of me talking about orgasms (no, not demonstrating them -- that's not what I do!) here.