How Do You End It?

If you're dating (or trying to date), I'd like your input:

Let's say you met someone, either through online dating or some other way. It seemed to have potential as you started to spend time together and get to know each other, but soon you realized it wasn't going to work out.

Which of these do you do?

1. Say something like "I'm sorry, but I don't see us as a match," with a kind explanation. 
2. Say something like "I'm sorry, but I don't see us as a match,", but with no explanation. 
3. Give an explanation that you know will hurt, but will definitely end things. 
4. Give the true reason you want to end it. 
5. Make up an excuse, e.g. decided to get back with an ex, or not ready to date again, or ...? 
6. "Ghost" or "fade away": you say nothing but don't get in touch or respond when the other person contacts you. 
7. Other? (Please explain.) 

Now switch roles. If you've been on the receiving end of any of the above, which one(s) left you feeling okay? Awful? If rejection has to happen, how do you want to be rejected?

Do your answers change in any way if you and this new person have been sexual?

Please comment, and although you don't need to give your real name (please choose something other than "Anonymous"), please include your real age. I'd like to contrast the views of our over-50 age group with those younger.

I look forward to your comments!

"Friends with benefits" -- do we need a new term?

Question to readers: I know that many people in our age group have "friends with benefits," or would like to. Do we need a new term for it?

I'm talking about a relationship that is sexual but also a solid friendship -- we like each other in and out of bed -- yet it's not a committed relationship and will not become one.

We're not partners and we're not dating exactly -- we just get together when we both want to, and sex is usually part of the package. We stay in touch in between times together. We're both free to pursue and explore other relationships. We don't have goals of our FWB becoming more (or different) than the way we're enjoying each other right now. It is what it is, and we like that.

It's not the same as a "hookup" or "bootie call" because we share an emotional closeness -- yet without any expectations or restrictions about what we do when we're not together.

What do you think? Is "friends with benefits" a good enough term? Or does that sound too casual or non-caring? One person suggested "limited relationship" as opposed to "committed" or "primary" relationship, but that seems to emphasize what it isn't rather than what it is. I suggested "lover-friends." I hope you'll add your point of view.

I hope you'll post a comment using a first name of your choice (choose something other than "anonymous"), plus your age, please, so we can see how our generation thinks.

Feel free to add your FWB experience after age 50, if you care to share. I think this kind of relationship is far more common than we know!





Notes about comments:

Thank you in advance for commenting! Some people have reported problems commenting. If this happens to you, please email me your comment (with the name under which you want it posted and your real age) and I'll post it for you. I delete comments that attempt to spam my blog or hijack my readers to a commercial site that I do not endorse. 

Are you a senior who dates? Or wants to?

One of my most popular workshops is "How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?" As seniors, newly single or maybe seems-like-forever single, we face special challenges trying to connect for love, sex, intimacy, companionship, friendship, social activities, or some combination of these. Whenever I speak to audiences over 50, 60, 70+, some of the most common questions I'm asked are these:

1. How do I meet someone? (This question is asked 90% of the time.)
2. Do I have to tell the truth about my age?
3. How do I write an online dating profile?
4. Why do I get (a) no responses from online dating; or (b) lots of responses from the wrong people?
5. How do I find out early on if a potential date will want to be sexual without coming across as creepy/ slutty/ scary?
6. If I have a first date with someone I don't want to see again, is it ok to just "disappear" and ignore future messages from this person?
7. How do I handle rejection?

Each of these questions needs and deserves more space than part of a blog post to answer -- except for #2 (yes, please, even though most people don't) and #6 (no, craft a simple and kind message about not being a match, no need to explain why).

I discuss dating at length in my newest book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50, including much of the information and tips from my workshop. I've also written more than 60 blog posts on dating -- start here and keep selecting "older posts" when you scroll down to the bottom of the displayed posts.  If you'd like me to write a more detailed post answering any of the questions above, or a new question, please write your request as a comment on this post.

I'm happy to see that other online resources address senior dating. Dating Senior Men is a lively and often instructive blog about dating and sex by Sienna Jae Fein, an over-60 widow.

 DatingAdvice.com, which offers advice from dating experts, has a section especially for seniors. For example, DatingAdvice.com's "5 Senior Dating Rules You HAVE to Follow" suggests ways that you can get out and be active in the dating world. I would add to this brief article that even if you don't "meet someone" doing these activities, you'll have a fuller, richer, more enjoyable life. Then when you do meet someone in the future, you'll come across as fulfilled and active, which is much more appealing than seeming depressed and desperate.

I was delighted when DatingAdvice.com wanted to review my new book and interview me in an article by Hayley Matthews titled
“The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50″: Joan Price’s Groundbreaking Book. “Our sexuality isn’t just about what happens when our genitals connect, or try to," I'm quoted as saying. "It weaves into how we feel about ourselves and our bodies, what we want from our next relationship, what we learned from our last one(s). So yes, the information about dating, solo sex and sex with a new person are all part of what we may go through as we age.”

(Several writers have sent me their books about senior dating, and I keep intending to do a roundup of these. Forgive me, writers -- so many projects, so little time. I'll let you know when I catch up.)

Thank you, DatingAdvice.com, for use of the images in this post.

Daring to Date Again by Ann Anderson Evans

3/11/15 update: This Sunday, March 15, I'll have the pleasure of being on a panel with Ann Anderson Evans called "Never Too Late to Date" at the Tucson Festival of Books. I'm moving this post, originally published 11/13/14, to the top so that you all know about Ann's book and our discussion of safer sex:

When a sixty-year-old, twice-divorced woman starts to date again, she's not pinning her hopes on an invitation to the prom. She is financially stable and professionally creditialed. She is a matriarch, a pillar of her church, a member of a choir. She has children and neighbors who might disapprove. She has a lot at stake.

So begins Daring to Date Again, a lusty memoir by Ann Anderson Evans about looking for romp-in-the-hay partners after 12 years of celibacy.

Evans is smart, sassy, articulate, and a darned good writer, pulling you right into her adventures. You’ll laugh, empathize, and sometimes worry as she jumps into bed with her Mr. Right-for-the-Moment parade. She wears her heart on her sleeve—or she wears nothing at all—and we share her adventures, her thoughts, her desires, and her evolution from repressed and unhappy to evolved, sexy, and joyful.

Evans finds many men who are interested in having no-strings sex with her, but towards the end of the book, she wonders whether true love even exists -- and if so, where is it hiding? I'm not ruining the book by telling you that she meets Terry -- a fellow professor and a bachelor at 63. They fall in love and marry. But that's not until the last chapter!

I enjoyed this well-written book, and I recommend it to you, whether you're exploring sexual possibilities yourself or you just want to share her escapades vicariously.

However! As a safer-sex advocate, I was concerned because there was no mention of safer sex or any discussions of condom use with the men Evans bedded. I questioned her -- no, they never used protection. Then I challenged her to explain her decision(s). She wrote this to me:

Joan chided me for not mentioning safe sex in Daring to Date Again. Logic suggests that simply interrogating a man regarding his sexual health is not sufficient protection, but that is what I relied upon. Why was I more concerned about cleaning the chopping block after cutting up chicken than about having unprotected sex? Why would I maintain the prophylactic habits of regular dental visits and colonoscopies, and yet have unprotected sex? Good question, Joan.

Indulgence was part of it. Pregnancy had been such a persistent worry when I was a young woman that having sex spontaneously was a joy. It was like winning the lottery.

Growing up in the 50s and 60s, I was taught either nothing or nonsense about sex. The bogus teachings were embedded in religion. “Chastity is the cement of civilization,” I read in the Christian Science scriptural companion, the Science & Health, when I was a student in a Christian Science college. I closed that book and have never reopened it.

The nonsense of the times I grew up in was also embedded in school. My only sex education was a couple of gender-divided classes in 7th grade that explained menstruation twinned with the unforgettable fact that when we brushed our teeth we should also be careful to brush our tongues. I was stunned when I got pregnant at 18. I thought I had to want to become pregnant in order to be so.

Between the church and school, I felt manipulated, demeaned, and endangered. Many of those who matured in the 60s rose up in mighty defiance of the bullying traditions of ignorance. In answering Joan’s challenge, I am surprised at my resurgence of anger when I think back.

Perhaps unconsciously, I placed barrier protection during sex in the basket which also included the bogus virtues of chastity, heterosexuality, sitting primly with your legs crossed, wearing a girdle, avoiding nudity, and virginity upon marriage. These virtues are so often ignored that they can only be seen as vacuous wishes. My failure to protect myself was a visceral, instinctive, and senseless act of defiance.

I take responsibility for my own actions, but it would have been helpful if the doctors (including gynecologists) had asked me if I was sexually active during that time. One general practitioner did ask me, and when I told him I had had sex with four men within the last two years he sidestepped the issue, saying, “I think you should talk to your gynecologist about that.”

I sympathize with the doctors. Discussions of sex with patients are probably minefields of religion, politics, family tradition, and personal history. But the medical profession has obviously given up the fight. How often do you see an ad for condoms displayed in your doctor’s office alongside the latest drug for depression or high blood pressure?

I felt embattled during my three years of promiscuity. Not one of the men I was involved with ever mentioned using a condom. If any of them had one in their pocket, they didn’t mention it. Joan might be better equipped to say whether men are just as likely as women to insist on condom use. In my experience, this has not been the case.

The problem of unprotected sex is far more pervasive than that of a single American raised before the Enlightenment. Our failure to identify and rectify the sociological, psychological, historical, and political reasons why people do not use condoms or other barriers has guaranteed that AIDS and other STDs continue worldwide. Saying the answer is education is simplistic. Why we don’t use them is baffling. The reason begins in the outside world of church, school, family, and government policy and all of these play themselves out in the bedroom.

Thank you, Ann, for your eloquent explanation. I can't help hoisting my 4'10" self up onto my soapbox again to remind my readers: Have all the fun you want, but please have it safely!

Listen to Evans read an excerpt from Daring to Date Again here.

Dating After 50, 60, 75 -- Making Our Own Rules

"Online Dating Over 50: The Rules of The Game" on Huffington Post began,

Monica Porter, who dated "dangerously" for a year, shares nine top tips to help protect yourself, including: don't believe anything, be careful who you get into bed with and split the check. If you're looking for romance through online dating, make skepticism your starting point, says Monica. 

Sure, "be careful whom you get in bed with" and "split the check" are reasonable, whatever your age and whether you're dating online or some other way. But the negative attitude overall made me cringe For example,

Rule #1 of dating over 50: Don't believe anyone. Emotionally, you need to construct a wall around yourself which nobody can penetrate until you believe it to be safe. People will plunder your emotions without compunction if you let them. It is up to you keep them locked up, like jewels.

Really? I've been online dating for a while now, and though I have my own frustrations with it (see my advice to men here), fearing that my precious emotions will be plundered if I don't lock them up is not one of them.

Personally, I think that most people of our age who are using online dating sites are looking for love/ lust/ sex/ adventure/ friendship/ companionship, or some combination of these; feel as vulnerable as we do; and have good intentions. Am I naive?

Isn't the point of a first date  to know each other enough to decide whether we want a second date? Isn't part of that being ourselves, talking openly, and, yes, risking a little? I've met people who have their emotions locked up, and I have no interest in dating them.

I invited the fans of my Naked at Our Age Facebook page to weigh in. Boy howdy, were you willing! Here are some of your points:

Janet, 55: I agree, it is very negative. If you go into online dating with fear and negativity, that is what you will attract. I suggest: Know yourself, be clear about what you expect from the site, be clear on the qualities of a date you are seeking, be ruthlessly honest because you have nothing to lose -- you don't want to waste time in a charade. This is the time of life to be real. Be you, be positive, have fun and you will attract what you put out.

Dana, 62: I tried online dating and it seemed like every man I met had a laundry list, and I was too short, not brunette, too chunky, not enough like their ex wife, too much like their ex wife, too independent, not independent enough, too sexual, too frigid, and on and on. They had this woman pictured in their mind and were looking for her and her alone. My strongest recommendation would be not to make snap judgments at the first meeting. Be willing to let things unfold, be curious. Resist the temptation to judge a book by its cover. Just relax and don't be on the hunt for your "soul mate" (whatever the heck that is). Find a true friend, a joyful companion, a kind soul and be nice. Let life, God, the universe, fate (whatever you want to call it) choose for you.

Jim, 58: As negative as it may be, is the article accurate? I say, for the most part, yes. Photos are old, many of them are of flowers, their dog, whatever. Would it be nice for a woman to offer to help pay for a nice dinner? Never happens. Not that I would accept it either, but the offer would be nice. I think we all have preconceived notions of what we want, but I agree that you need to let things flow. I find that many women aren't ready to date, let alone have a new relationship. After 3-4 dates, it's "I just don't think I'm ready," or "my ex BF is really trying to be a better man so I'm going to go back and give it another try," or "I thought I was ready but now I'm not sure."

Ruth, 67: I think the Huff Post article is valid to some extent -- don't believe anybody! It doesn't mention that you can ask for a reference after you've met someone for the first time and before you hop into bed with them. You can find out about the person's honesty and relationship history from someone else's point of view. I don't agree with the statement, "If you meet someone you fancy, by all means enjoy good, fun sex. But - hard-nosed as it sounds, and I can't pretend it's always easy - take the emotion out of it or you will be hurt over and over again." I can't take the emotion out of sex and I'm not sure many people can.

Paula Ellen, 53: I find the photo with the article pretty offensive. Why isn't there a photo of a 60-year-old, gray-haired woman with a thirty-something male? Jesus.

Brian, 64 : I'm a verbal guy, I'm not interested in profiles without a lot of writing either in the profile essays, or in the explanations of the questions on OKCupid. That's where I gauge such things as sense of humor, care for others, and intellectual curiosity. I wonder what women are thinking when they post a profile picture showing them scowling or otherwise looking unhappy. My correspondents tell me that they get tons of messages from men on the model of "Hi beautiful, what's up?" (That sort is the more tasteful) I can't give advice on how to handle this, except to put clearly in your profile something that you ask for a comment on, if only to see if someone actually read it. I sent a woman one of my usual cheerleading notes, telling her how much I loved her profile and wishing her good luck. Six months later, we've got a very fine romance going, despite the long distance. As it happened, one of my lovers had just said goodbye for reasons best known to her, and I had some time/energy to spare. So, be careful what you don't ask for. You may get it.

Ashton, 62: I agree that that article is way too negative. I'm a fan of OK Cupid and I think you need to go into it open-minded rather than paranoid. My #1 rule of online dating is to meet sooner rather than later.

Cyril, 65: While I agree that the wording is negative and excessively emphasizes the need for caution, we should not be gullible or leave ourselves open to exploitation, whether by a date or a rogue trader. Simply put, make sure they have earned your trust before you open up.

Chuck: I'm 74 and my honey is 78. We met on JDate two years ago. The obvious catalyst is honesty--and candor. We got the heavy lifting done on our first date (my alcoholism and depression, her husband's dementia) and moved on from there. Respecting one another's history and allowing space for individualism, these have worked so well for us.

What do you think? I welcome your comments. (Please include your age.)

"I left without letting him see me" -- a first date goes bad

Martha, age 67, is a friend of mine and a beautiful, peppy, athletic woman. We were taking a walk together, and with great embarrassment, she confided this story (posted with permission):

This man contacted me from OK Cupid. In his photo, he had thick black hair with a little grey, and he described his body type as "average."

When I arrived at the coffee shop for a first meeting, I spied him from the doorway. I recognized him, but just barely. His hair was white and thinning, and he was at least 40 pounds overweight. I was totally grossed out by his misrepresentation of himself, and I froze. Then, instead of approaching him, I left without letting him see me.

He sent several texts along the lines of "I'm here waiting, looks like you're running late." When I finally responded, I told a half truth -- "I'm so sorry, I couldn't meet you" and a total lie: "I'm having trouble dealing with a break-up." 

He sent me a scathing email calling me rude and inconsiderate, and I apologized and said, '"Yes, I know, I'm so sorry."

What advice would I give to men on online dating sites? Be honest, really honest. Post a recent photo. Say what you look like. If you're 40 pounds overweight, say so. Otherwise you're misrepresenting yourself, and someone's going to be pissed off. Hopefully they won't do what I did and not even talk to you. There's someone who will love you the way you are, so be yourself.

Do I feel right about what I did? No, I'm terribly embarrassed. I've never done anything like this before. I was scared to tell you.

I confess I came down pretty hard on Martha. I'm always ranting about honesty and authenticity, so neither Martha nor her date scored big points. How could she have handled this instead? 

I suggest that she could have gone through with the meeting, and after some light conversation, said something like this:

"I need to tell you that when I saw how different you are from your photos and your description of yourself, I felt you had misrepresented yourself. It doesn't do any good, really, to post an old photo and not tell the truth about your body type -- it's bound to come out once you meet, and they feel deceived. If you portray yourself honestly, you'll draw people who are attracted to who you really are, and you deserve that. We all deserve that."

Do you think that's cold? There was no potential for a second date anyway, so maybe this could be a teachable moment.

Please realize that I'm not shaming someone for an extra 40 pounds and thinning, white hair -- it's the misrepresentation that doesn't serve him and doesn't get him closer to a first date becoming a second date. 

What do you think? I'd love to know your opinion. 

Dating Advice to Men Over 50, 60, 70+

7/28/14: I wrote this in 2010. I'm updating it now, with a few more years of experience with dating as a senior. Here's what I said in 2010, with updates italicized in blue.

Yes, I've started online dating, and I'm actually enjoying it.

I realize that my enjoyment goes hand in hand with not having anything at stake, no big expectations. I'm not looking to replace Robert (couldn't be done even if I wanted to, which I don't) or find someone to give my life meaning and joy (my life already has meaning and joy). I want to bring more male energy into my life, meet new people, get out, have new experiences. If that results in connecting with someone wonderful, that's a big bonus.

I wrote this on a message board for women over 50 in response to one person who was scared to date:

If you think of dating as your way to learn about another person and about yourself without risking anything, it can be fun -- go for coffee or a walk or dinner with someone new, talk, see what you both enjoy discussing and doing. It's when you think of dating as auditioning a potential soul mate that it becomes fraught with anxiety, unpleasantness, and emotional danger.

First dates aren't scary to me in the least. I'm interested in learning what we do and don't have in common, and which of the divergences matter a lot. Plus, the writer in me loves hearing people's stories, and first dates are a great way to learn a huge amount in an hour, because it's expected that we share our stories.

Although I'm newly dating after almost ten years, I already have some strong opinions about online dating do's and don't's. (When did you ever know me to not have strong opinions?) Here are a few, aimed at men because that's my experience. I'm sure I'll add more as I proceed, and I encourage you to add your own. (Be constructive, not nasty, please.)

Advice for Men about Profile Photos

1. Please use a current image as your default photo. It's fine to include older photos also -- I love to see the long, bushy hair you wore in 1969!--but label them with the year, and make those secondary photos, not your main one.

2. Include at least one recently taken close-up of your face. Do. Not. Wear. Sunglasses.  I can't tell you how many profiles I skip over because the man is wearing sunglasses. I need to see your eyes. (I can't believe how many men wear sunglasses in their profile photos. Please, guys!)

3. Have a photo taken if you don't have one already. You don't need to go to a photography studio -- all your friends have digital cameras. Make your default photo just you -- no buddies on a fishing trip, no arms around a woman who might be your daughter or maybe your ex-wife, and absolutely no edited photo with the woman at your side cropped out (we can tell)!

4. Smile! Most of the profiles that men post show them either scowling or looking intently serious. I know that's because you're taking selfies and you don't want to put on your reading glasses to see the tiny screen. Ask someone else to take your photo, and smile as if you're glad to meet us.

Advice for Men about Your Profiles

1. Please give your real age and body build. If we'll eliminate you if you're older or heavier than attracts us, so be it -- that would happen once we met anyway. By the way, I'm learning that "average" build/body type means 30 pounds overweight. Is it true for women's profiles, too, guys? Just FYI, I put a lot of energy into staying fit, strong, and healthy. In my eyes, it's not superficial to seek men who take this kind of care of themselves, too.

2. I love it when men 50-70+ are looking for women their age and even older, but some of you say you're seeking to date women who are at least 10-15 years your junior. Is that simply an attraction thing? Or are you ruling out vibrant women your age for some reason I don't understand? Sometimes I write men with this question, and occasionally it leads a man to change his upper limit requirement! Mostly, though, they don't answer.

3. Describe what makes you interesting and unique. Skip the usual "I like moonlight walks on the beach," etc. -- if everyone who said this actually did it, the beaches would be crowded at nighttime, and they're not. Instead, think about the qualities and interests that will attract us and make you stand out from all the other profiles we're reading.

4. I really respect those of you who give me a courtesy of a "no thank you" if I write you first and you're not interested. I see you as polite and compassionate when you write something like "Thank you for writing, but I don't see us as a match. Best wishes...." rather than not answering at all.

Advice for Men When We Meet

1. Be yourself, be truthful, tell me about yourself -- and I'll do the same. That doesn't mean dumping details of your last health exam or therapy session, but take the opportunity to show me who you really are and what matters to you. We're too old to play the I'll-try-to-appear-to-be-who-you-want-me-to-be game.

2. Please also try to learn about me. If you do all the talking and don't ask me any questions, I don't know if it's nervousness or that you don't care who I am. As interesting as you may be, a monologue absolutely rules out a second date.

3. If we've gone out to dinner, I won't assume you'll pay because you're a man -- I'll offer to share the expense. If you prefer to pick up the check, tell me with a smile, and I'll accept with thanks. But please don't make a face, shudder, and tell me how much you hate "women's libbers" who "act like men." No kidding, someone did that recently. He's a very nice man and we had good conversation over dinner, but clearly our values and opinions don't match enough for a second date.

Please, good men, I know you're out there. How do we find you?

Since I'm a straight woman reading men's profiles, this post is slanted to my experience. Help me expand it. I'd love to hear from you about your experiences, likes and dislikes, and pet peeves about the people of any gender whom you meet (or choose not to meet) through online dating. I hope you'll comment!

Cancer Survivor: Can I Have an Intimate Relationship Again?

A reader wrote:

 I am 62, single, and once was a very sexually active woman. I've undergone treatment for breast cancer twice. My recovery required my full attention for years, but now I feel ready for new adventures -- hopefully including sex. After rounds of chemotherapy, surgeries, radiation, and continued estrogen blocking medications, sex with another became a thing of the past. 

Currently, sexual intercourse may no longer be possible for me -- but I still enjoy having orgasms and I desire the wonder of touch. However, I am so concerned about my limitations as a sexual partner that I am afraid to attempt to date again. 

I have no idea what men in my age group expect or desire in terms of performance from their partners. What are woman experiencing in the 60-year-old dating world in terms of performance expectations? Would my current physical circumstance deter most men from being interested in exploring an intimate relationship with me?

I am grateful for this message and all it conveys about hope and healing and moving forward. I understand why you're apprehensive. I would encourage you to get out there and go after what you want.

I know that many single men in our age group also fear "performance expectations"  when erections are no longer possible or predictable. There are many who would welcome a sexual partner who did not expect intercourse, who would be happy exchanging touch, oral and manual stimulation, and fabulous orgasms -- without intercourse.

These men may be cancer survivors themselves, wanting to return fully to life, including sex and intimacy, but they don't know how to navigate the dating world either -- when to divulge the cancer, when to divulge the sexual issues.

You might find out if there's a local cancer survivors' singles group. Or try online dating: I did a search on "cancer survivors singles" and came up with several sites that promote themselves as dating sites for cancer survivors.

There's even one -- "2date4love" --  that "enables people who cannot engage in sexual intercourse to meet and experience love, companionship and intimacy." I haven't vetted any of these sites -- if any of you have tried them, I hope you'll share your experiences.

You don't need to limit yourself to dating companions who share a similar medical history, though. Just be up front about your cancer on a first date if it looks like there's potential for a second date. (If not, you don't need to mention it.)

Then if you progress to a few dates and there's chemistry, it's important to explain that yes, you are interested in sex, but no, this might not include intercourse. Be prepared: Men who desire intercourse may want to discontinue getting to know you, and that's okay.

When all the cards are on the table, if the relationship progresses, you have the delightful journey of exploring all the ways you can be sexual without intercourse!

Even when a date doesn't progress to more, it's still worth getting to know new people, "practicing" dating, trying out how to tell a potential partner about your needs, desires, and challenges.

If you take it all as part of the brave new world of dating experience, you don't need to feel regretful or shamed when a new relationship (or potential relationship) doesn't work out. Most of them will not work out -- that's the nature of the game.

Everything I've said so far presumed that you're right that intercourse will not be possible for you. But please explore whether there are ways that you can heal yourself vaginally, if this is something you want to pursue. An excellent resource is "Vaginal Recuperation after Cancer or Surgery" from A Woman's Touch, one of my favorite sexuality resource centers.


I hope you'll check in again and share what you tried, how it worked for you, what you learned and gained.

I hope that you'll share your thoughts, too, readers.

Widows and Widowers: Should we just date each other?

"I think I could only date a widower -- only someone who has gone through this could understand," I told a buddy when I thought I might be ready to start dating after losing my beloved Robert.

I put my preference for widowers prominently in my online dating profile. I later changed that, or at least softened it to "bonus points," just because it narrowed the possibilities too much. But it remains my preference. Here's why:

• When they are talking with animation and suddenly sink into silence and sadness, I understand. 
• When they bring up anecdotes about their wives, I get it.
• When they slip into present tense talking about their spouse, then correct themselves, I remember how often I've done that.
• When they talk vulnerably about their grief, I know I can do that, too.
• When they laugh and talk about their future changes they want to make in their lives, I know what it took to get to that point.

How long does it take to be ready to date? I don't know. We're all different. Don't judge us if we think we're ready, then realize we're not. We’re not grieving for a time, then suddenly done with grief — it’s a spiral: we cycle in and out of grief. We can feel that we’re truly ready to date, and then we’re struck down by missing our beloved powerfully.

And if you date a widow or widower, please don't worry that you're in competition with his or her perfect spouse. You're not in competition with our memories. Understand that there will always be that layer of memories and love, and accept that part of us. It shows that we know how to love.

Recently, I've had a couple of dates with two different widowers. I love the conversation, how easily we slip in and out of past and present, how we acknowledge the fear and the reluctance to date again -- and how we realize that our growth depends on learning how to do that.  Maybe we should just date each other. 

What do you think? Your comments are welcome, especially if you are widowed or are dating a widow or widower.


[Thank you, Sienna Jai Fein, for the post "Widower: What If He’s Not Ready To Date?" on Dating Senior Men, which led me to ruminate on this topic.]

Things You’ll Never Hear Him Say When He Sees You Naked

Photo by Ruth Lefkowitz

Women of our age: I hear all the time that you're embarrassed about your aging body to the point of avoiding sex with a new partner -- or you insist on sex in a darkened room, using the braille method of discovery. 

I discover it's not just single women: I had a conversation with a man about my age who is no longer having sex with his wife because she's too embarrassed about her weight gain to be naked with him.

Other men tell me similar stories -- that their wives hide their bodies, and the men miss the sex and the intimacy, but don't know how to ease their wives past their distaste for their bodies.

I'd like to talk to both genders here:

Women: By hiding your body, being embarrassed by it, you're buying into our youth-obsessed culture that says that only young, firm, fertile bodies can be sexy and alluring. Let's put that notion to rest right now!

Single women, imagine this scenario:

Finally, after meeting so many frogs (and not even tempted to kiss any of them), you’ve met a man who makes your heart flutter big time. You’ve flirted, you’ve gone on a few dates, you’ve talked half the night, you’ve laughed at his jokes and he at yours. On your last date, you kissed… and kissed. His hands went exploring, so did yours, and you know that on the next date, more than your lipstick will come off. You’ve even had the Condom Conversation.

But, your inner worrier keeps asking you, what if he sees your body and heads for the hills?

You’ve got to trust me on this, he’s not going to say or even think any of the following:

• “Oh, gee, you have so many wrinkles!”
• “You’d be so pretty if you lost weight.”
• “Huh—I thought you looked younger with clothes on.”
• “I like firmer butts and perkier breasts.”
• “Uh, I gotta go now.”

No, whether or not he voices it out loud or conveys it with a smile or melting eyes, here’s what he’s thinking:

 “Oh wow, did I get lucky! This is going to be wonderful.”

Partnered women: Does your husband have the same body as when you first dated? I doubt it. Realize that your man wants you, wants the bonding with you, wants the sexual pleasure with you. Instead of asking him, "Do I look fat?" try asking, "What do you find the sexiest part of my body?" His answer might surprise you, and I'll bet he'll be delighted that you asked.

Men: You may not realize how insecure we women are about our bodies. We need to hear from you that you find us sexy, alluring, beautiful. If you think our breasts are gorgeous, or our rear view turns you on, please tell us. Even an "I could gaze into your eyes forever" will make our hearts flutter. We need you to help us affirm our bodies. A hefty dose of romance does wonders for us, too!

We women are our own worst critics, always have been. Remember those teenage pimples? Those worries about our shape and smell? Let’s decide, once and for all, that our bodies are just right, capably of visually delighting a partner and of bringing us both great pleasure.

If we can’t do that at this time of life, when can we? Even if we don’t fully believe it, acting “as if” we’re proud of our bodies will help make it so.

So when it’s time for that get-naked date, prepare with some gorgeous lingerie, dim the lights if you feel the need, but don’t black out the view (candles are sexy and flattering), have lubricant handy, and enjoy.

I'd love to hear from both women and men about this topic! Please comment.

This post was originally published in a slightly different form 11/8/11. I expanded and updated it 11/20/2012.

The Nicest Online Dating Rejection Ever

What are your pet peeves and pet tips about dating as a senior?  When I give my "How the Heck Do I Date at This Age" workshops and when I blog about online dating, I always plead with people to do these things:

1. Tell the truth (about age, build, marital status)

2. Post a current photo without sunglasses

3. If someone messages you and you're not interested, give a courteous "no, thank you."

I keep hearing, "Yeah, but what do you say if you're not interested?" Don't lie. Do be polite. Do answer. (Ignoring someone is much more hurtful than anything you might say. However, if the initial message from him/her is inappropriate, feel free to ignore.)

My usual advice is this:  Make it clear, honest, and polite -- something like, "Thank you for writing, and I enjoyed reading your profile... [Insert something complimentary about the person's qualities/interests here.] However, I don't think we're a match. [No need to give reason, but you can if it's something specific and doesn't put the other person down.] Best wishes for finding what you seek.'"

Today I decided to expand the age range I was seeking to include age 50 to 73. (I'm 68, whatever that might mean to you.)  Before, I had the lower limit at 55, but I don't mind if the man is younger than that, as long as he is smart, fit, and interesting; matches my energy; and is attracted to older women.

A delightful, 51-year-old man came up in my search. We had much in common, and I found his photo very attractive. I wrote him a complimentary message, and ended with this: "...I know you say your upper age limit is 55 -- is that firm? See my profile and current photos before you answer."

He turned me down, but the way he said no prompted me to write this blog post. It's the nicest rejection  I've ever received, and it will become my new model of how to respond when not interested. He gave me permission to post it here, without identifying him in any way:

Thank you for writing, it's nice to be approached on occasion instead of doing all the outreach. (And I always respond, I can't stand it when I send an email and am not even afforded the courtesy of a "no".) I'm not absolutely firm on my age range, but honestly 68 is a bit beyond what I will consider. You sound like a live wire and a wonderful lady to get to know, and I wish you the best in finding someone who can match your spirit and energy.

See why I love this message? It's extremely complimentary -- he read my profile, he thinks I'm cool -- and he's honest about why he's saying no. Perfect. Thank you, not-to-be-identified man who inspired this post.

I welcome comments, especially if you have a nice way of saying, "No, thank you."