Sex after 50 Applies to All Ages: Guest post by Penny

Joan and Penny

 Note from Joan: CatalystCon West 2013 was filled with amazing educators, new information, and a sense of community that I wish we could all feel everyday, everywhere. Normally I would write a synopsis of this conference, sharing what I learned.

 But this time, I give the floor to Penny, a remarkable, 26-year-old sex blogger, who attended the session I gave: The 5 Biggest Myths About Sex and Aging. She started this guest post on the plane going home, she told me, tearing up as she wrote it. I'm proud to share it -- and her -- with you here. With allies like Penny, we' can indeed change the world.

Why Sex after 50 Applies to All Ages: 

Guest post by Penny

I went into Joan Price’s panel The 5 Biggest Myths About Sex and Aging at CatalystCon with the attitude that I was going to take a leap and learn about something that doesn't apply to me, at least not yet. I told Joan this when we ran into each other in the hall before her panel, and she smiled and said with a chuckle, “Maybe you’ll find what I have to say useful in about 30 years.”

But I quickly realized that what Joan was teaching in her panel didn't only apply to people aged 50+ -- it was relevant to anyone, including myself now, at age 26.

The first myth that Joan debunked about sex and aging was the idea that what felt good to us in the past should still make us feel good now, and that when it doesn't, there must be something wrong, and we might as well just give up.

photo by Roman Roze

She explained that as our bodies change with age later in life, the ways we experience arousal and pleasure change as well, and that this is perfectly normal. She went over specifics, like the differing needs that seniors may require in a toy, such as very strong vibrations, the ability for the toy to last long enough to endure a longer cycle of arousal, ergonomically comfortable designs for arthritic hands, easy to use controls, etc.

Sure, Joan was describing the specific sexual needs of people outside of my age demographic, but the underlying message was universal: We must remember that sexuality is fluid and that it changes. Our bodies change, our lives change, our needs and wants change. Self-exploration is a continuous process.

I may not be 50 yet, but what turned me on when I started having sex at age 16 is dramatically different from what turns me on now. My challenges with arousal are not the same as senior challenges, but they’re there. Some weeks I feel down and emotional, and I don’t want to take the time to give myself the self-care that I need. I have moments when I think, why isn't this working like it usually does? Why can’t I just orgasm like I usually do?

Joan made me realize that in these moments, I need to give myself the compassion I would give a friend. If someone came to me and said something wasn't working for them, I would encourage them to keep trying because they deserve pleasure. I would try to help them find new ways to experience arousal and suggest new toys and techniques. I would also tell them that there is nothing wrong if something just isn’t working right now, and that pleasure and orgasms don’t always come easily.

Everyone deserves that encouragement and support. We must allow ourselves to exist as we are right now, instead of trying to conform to what society expects of us or even what we expect of ourselves.

Like this myth of feeling like an “alien in our own bodies” because we've changed, and we feel like we aren't ourselves anymore, everything Joan discussed was not only relevant to seniors, but to everyone. The importance of communication between partners, adaptation to change, making time for pleasure and practice, and continual commitment to self-care, sexual health, and sex education are always important.

Towards the end of her talk, Joan shared a personal story about her grief in losing her love and partner. Her words shook me deeply, and as tears streamed down my cheeks, my sniffles were echoed by a woman sitting near me. Grief is incredibly personal, and I cannot pretend to know what Joan has gone through, but in that moment I felt like her grief was somehow also mine. Grief for her loss, for everyone I've lost, and for myself and the deep fear I don’t usually even realize that I carry with me: that I am alone, that nothing is certain, and that any day could be my last or my partner’s last.

But as I listened to Joan share her story, I also felt her strength. She said that what lives on after us is what we pass on to others, what we give to people, what we share, our love and compassion. In that way, she said, we become immortal. I’m often so wrapped up in my own needs, wants, concerns, challenges, and privileges that I forget to seek out others’ experiences, to listen as much as I speak, and to share what I have.

As she ended her talk, Joan asked us all to help her with her cause, to speak out against ageism, to stop and say, "That’s not funny," if we hear malicious, ageist “jokes,” and to tell people that they are beautiful exactly as they are. In return, she offered up her own voice, to help us in whatever injustices we battle.

Her words echoed Yosenio V Lewis’s speech from the Opening Keynote, when he called us to take on someone else’s cause because it is our cause as well, to come together instead of staying in isolated groups, to collaborate and realize that we are all ultimately fighting for the same things: love, compassion, and acceptance. 

Penny is a freelance writer and photographer from Austin, Texas. She explores sexuality creatively through her blog Penny for Your (Dirty) Thoughts, which is known for its variety of writing, unique sex toy photography, and erotic self-portraiture.

Open letter to Miley Cyrus about sex after (gasp!) 40

Really, Miley Cyrus? You think sex ends at 40? You told Matt Lauer that at 55, he was "definitely not sexual"?

On what planet? Oh, right, the youth planet!

Miley, you could teach me plenty about fame, music, handling bad publicity, and, I suppose, twerking (if I thought that I needed it to feel sexy, which I don't, and if my 69-year-old back would handle it, which it wouldn't).

But I could teach you a thing or two about sex. 

My day job is writing and speaking about senior sex, which you think doesn't exist. Here are just a few facts about it:

• Sex can be better after 40, 50, and 60 than it ever was in our 20s. Then, we as young women were driven by hormones, anxious about our partners liking us or finding us sexy enough, and not terribly good at communicating what we needed to reach orgasm. Our partners, also hormone-driven, rushed to their own finish, often leaving us behind. Often, our fear of pregnancy outweighed our enjoyment.


• Now, we're no longer propelled by our hormones -- we're having sex for other reasons: sexual pleasure and release, intimacy, joy, bonding, emotional well-being, and about a gazillion other good reasons. We know how to slow down and enjoy the sensations and the feelings. 


• Is sex the same at 50 or 70 as it was when we were your age? No. We do have challenges. We also have the knowledge (or know where to find it, such as in my award-winning book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex) to overcome those challenges, and the communications skills to deal with them. 

If you'd like to discuss this or battle me in a televised face-off (with Matt Lauer moderating), please have your people contact my people. I'd be delighted.

Please slow down and hear this:

If you want your sexual exuberance to match mine three decades after age 40, start listening to your elders -- at least the ones who are winking at each other after hearing your statement about sex ending at 40!

Miley, I'll be happy to send you a copy of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty to further your education (and, I hope, delight you), if you send me your mailing address.

You're welcome.

Brian Alexander, a top sex and science journalist, interviewed me yesterday about this. Please read his smart and sassy article here. "You're going to laugh about what Miley Cyrus just said," he said when he called me. Yes, I laughed, I commented, and it got me so revved up that I had to expand my views here a day later. Thank you, Brian.

M age 46 seeks F 60-78

"Bravo on an interesting profile, and for being open to seeing a somewhat younger man," the message from "desire4mature" on OK Cupid began. "There is no better match when it all comes together between the right older woman and younger man. He will be a lucky man. I admire from afar, and I wish you well."

Afar? Yes, really afar. My suitor, "desire4mature," is 46, M, straight, available, and lives in London, United Kingdom (5335 miles from me). His message intrigued me, though, so I read his profile. It echoed the views of many men who have written to me for advice about connecting with older women -- but with such an articulate flair that I wrote to ask him for permission to quote from it. Here are some excerpts, with his permission:

...I seek a mature, ageless, energetic woman for undeniable chemistry...physical, emotional, and intellectual chemistry ...  

You are better today than you have ever been, more alive, more free, more wise and more sensual, still with unquenched desires. You are most likely over 60, completely ageless in mind and spirit, smart, well-preserved and fun.  

Are you are bursting with energy, but have difficulty finding a man your age who can match your liveliness? Do you want someone whom with whom you can be your true self, free and at ease, knowing you are accepted and desired no matter your age, with someone who accepts you as you are who sees your age and youthfulness and wisdom as assets to be treasured? ... Can you envision yourself in a passionate and intense love affair with a smart, youthful man who sees you as the beautiful and amazing woman you have become, who values your wisdom and life experience and zest and passion, who can harness your deep sensuality and match your desire, with no insecurities, welcoming you to realize your true Goddess nature?  If so, I would love to know you. 

You will feel and welcome my desire for you, for the woman you are today, not the woman you were 20 or 30 years ago. We both know how much better you are now, smarter, wiser, more accepting and free, more sensual and appreciative, more full of zest and life .... 

"So how is that working for you?" I had to ask him, explaining that my inquiry was less from prurient interest than from wanting to inform those of you who keep asking me about how to meet older women. Is a dating site like OK Cupid a good place?

"desire4mature" listed for me the many categories of women who would not respond to his ad, or who would not interest him, leaving a precious few who became his friends and then lovers. He said in an email,

It is a very rare woman that I end up talking to for a longer periods of time and then meeting and becoming lovers. Sexual health is very important too, so again, it's rare to get to that point for me, but I have, and have gloriously been rewarded to have known or know a small handful of truly amazing, incredible, sensual and beautifully sexual women, all 20 to 33 years older than me. I love and cherish them and always will.

My questions to my readers:

If you're the older woman, could you see yourself getting involved with a man like this one? What sort of screening test would you use to decide whether he was sincere and a good potential bed partner?

If you're the younger man, have you tried using an online dating site to find an older women who might be a good match for you?

If you're a man of our generation, what do you offer women our age that a younger man does not?

I welcome your comments.

====

Update 10/7/2013: I just received yet another email from a young man -- this one is 25 -- who wants to date "a granny." (I understand that in other countries, this isn't an offensive term -- though it makes me cringe.) His request for my advice had no caps, and many words were abbreviated ("frm," "lyk," "sm1," "whoz," "plz," for example). If he won't even take the time to communicate with me correctly, why would I think he has something to offer a woman my age?

Young men -- it's not that we're not savvy enough to read your text-speak -- we can read it. But approaching us this way does not make you appealing or interesting.  (For more info and a bit of ranting about this, please see this 2009 post.)

As always, I welcome your candid and thoughtful comments.*

* However, as always, do not try to hijack my readers to a toy store, escort service, porn site, or any site I haven't endorsed. Those comments are deleted before seeing the light of day. I wish the spammers would stop making me cranky.

Your Best Senior Sex Tip?

I've been sitting here working on my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty, sharing all the best tips I know for enhancing sexual pleasure at our age.

I'll bet you've got some advice yourself for our generation, too. Would you share it with my readers and with our community here?

For example:

• If your body and your sexual responsiveness have changed, what have you discovered to rev up your responses again?
• If it became difficult to communicate with a partner about what one of you needed, how did you break through the impasse?
• If you and your partner stopped having sex, how did you get back on track or make other satisfying arrangements?
• What's the best advice you got from a therapist, sex educator, or medical professional about making lackluster sex better?
• How have you worked around the problems that threatened to derail your sex life?
• What have you done to make solo sex especially enjoyable?
• What have you discovered that you think would help others of our age, too?
• What do you wish you'd done differently?

These topics are just a start. You know what would be helpful to our community.

If you're over 50, partnered or solo, any gender, please share your best tip(s) either by writing a comment on this blog or by emailing me privately if you prefer.

By responding to this request, you're agreeing that I may quote your advice. I won't use your name or identify you in any way. (If you're a sex educator, author, therapist, or medical professional and you want me to use your name, let me know that, and be sure I have all your contact info so I can follow up.)

Thank you!

(Attention comment spammers and site/product promoters: No, this is not your chance to sneak in an oily link to a site or product that I do not endorse. Don't. Even. Try. If you're trying to drum up business by pulling readers to your site or a product that I do not recommend, stop now. Don't make me cranky by causing me extra work checking your links and deleting your comment.)

Is This Blog Valuable to You? If so...

Rori

Every year, the delightful Rori -- sassy, submissive blogger at Between My Sheets -- takes on a monumental task. She asks people who enjoy reading sex-themed blogs to nominate their favorite sex bloggers. She gets hundreds of nominations.

Then Rori, sometimes aided by guest judges and sometimes not, reads every blog that has been nominated, and she selects and ranks the 100 best of the year.

I've had the honor of being nominated and judged worthy of being on this list all four of the past years: #21 in 2009; #10 (!) in 2010; #14 in 2011; and #30 in 2012. I feel particularly honored because this is the only senior sex blog on the list, and one of the few that is educational rather than erotic.

Now I'm doing my annual begging: If you find this blog valuable to you, would you please nominate "Joan Price's sex & aging blog: http://www.NakedAtOurAge.com" on Rori's 2013 nominations page here?

Thank you!

Senior Sex & Vibrators: Myths & Facts

I updated this published post because you continue to ask me intriguing questions about sex toys, both out loud and by email. I continue to hear some misconceptions I'd like to clear up. As always, I welcome your comments.

Q: Doesn't using a vibrator decrease sensitivity in women over time so we won't have orgasms as easily?

A: Actually, it's the opposite. As women's bodies age, we get less blood flow to the clitoris and vagina, and the vaginal walls get thinner. Most of us need more arousal time and more time to reach orgasm after we're aroused. Vibrators enhance sensitivity by increasing blood flow to the genitals quickly and powerfully, and by directly stimulating the clitoris. (The clitoris is our #2 pleasure hot spot -- #1 is our brain!)

A well-chosen, well-placed vibrator can mean the difference between an orgasm -- and no orgasm. The more orgasms we have, the more easily we reach orgasm the next time. So using a vibrator to get us over the edge actually enhances sensitivity and ease of reaching orgasm.

Q: My husband is worried that if I use a vibrator, I'll prefer it to him. (Another version of this question that I receive from men: I've heard that once a woman gets a vibrator, it's bye bye Charlie -- no way I can compete with that thing.) 

A: Not a chance. A vibrator may give quicker orgasms (that's what it's made for, after all), but it doesn't cuddle well or kiss or laugh, and pillow talk with a vibrator is really boring. It either buzzes or it doesn't. It's a dull companion -- except when we need a sexual assist.

If a woman prefers a sex toy to the exclusion of her lover, it's a signal that there's a bigger problem in the relationship than sex toys.

Q: My man says I should reach orgasm "naturally" and not have to use a sex toy. But I just can't come during intercourse unless I add my vibrator at the right moment.

A: I hate those "should's." Most women do not come through intercourse alone, and that gets truer the older we get. Point out to him where his penis contacts you during intercourse vs. where your clitoris resides.

And when he arouses you manually, which I hope he does, point out that he's less likely to get carpal tunnel syndrome from your long arousal time if he incorporates a vibrator in arousal play.

That's right, it's not a choice between him or it -- make it a threesome: the two of you using the vibrator together.

Q: Are there any good sex toys for senior men?

A: Oh, yes! Male bodies have the same issues as female bodies with different visible results -- decreased blood flow and hormonal changes make it more difficult to get or sustain an erection. Men may need longer arousal time and extra stimulation.

There are sex toys made especially for penises, such as masturbation sleeves and cock rings. A prostate stimulator can make a huge difference in sexual enjoyment. A cock ring placed on the erect penis can help keep the blood from draining away.

If this is new to you, please visit an education-focused sex toy store such as the ones I recommend and ask a staff person to help you understand what the toys do.


Q: I had two friends who burned themselves with sex toys. Aren't they dangerous?

A: The cheaper ones are cheap for a reason. They generally have no quality standards in materials or construction -- they're called "novelty items," and I don't recommend them.

If your eyes widen at the price of the vibrators I recommend on this blog, consider that I only recommend safe products of medical-grade materials, careful construction, and the best design and function for our older (still sexually passionate!) bodies.

You're paying for research and development and high-quality material that won't degrade, melt, leach nasty chemicals into your body, break, overheat, or burn. That's also why I recommend shopping in woman-friendly sex shops (brick-and-mortar or online) with an emphasis on health and education, like the ones I link to.


Q: You recommend going into a sex toy store and asking questions. But when I do, I see workers who are the age of my grandchildren! I'd be horrified to talk about sex with them.

A:  I'm often invited to visit education-focused sex toy stores to help the staff understand our needs better. I'm always impressed by how well-trained they are already, and how seriously they take their mission to provide sex education to everyone.

We mistakenly assume that if they're the age of our grandchildren, (a) they don't know much; and (b) we can't possibly talk about our sexual concerns with them.

But in reality, they're smart, well-educated "sex nerds" -- meaning that they find sex information the most fascinating topic ever. They have knowledge that will help us enrich our sex lives. They want us to feel comfortable asking them questions. It's up to us to meet them with a smile and a question, and give them a chance to help us.


Please see my many other posts about sex toys here, including reviews of specific products, with links to retailers I personally endorse because they value women and men of our age and treat us well.

Note to retailers: Do not spam my comments section, because I'll delete any comment that takes my readers to a retail site I have not endorsed. (If you're noticing that there are fewer comments here than a day ago, I just caught another commenter who tried to hijack  you to a commercial retail site that I do not endorse. Sorry I missed it the first time.)  If you think you should be included in the retailers I endorse, contact me personally. Thank you.  -- Joan

How can a younger person share sexual knowledge with you?

Next week, I'll have the pleasure of working in Minneapolis, giving three presentations at Smitten Kitten: two public workshops (register for these workshops here) and a staff training on sex and aging. I love sharing my knowledge with all of you, especially when my events are sponsored by sex-positive, education-oriented stores like Smitten Kitten.

One of the staff members sent me this question, and I'd like to open up the topic to comments from you:

I am 23 years old, and sometimes the oldest/most experienced person working at the store on a given day, but I feel that my age and the age of some of my co-workers makes us seem like we can't relate to older customers, and maybe even makes them feel more uncomfortable.

Usually if we can get past that and into a conversation people realize we all have a lot of knowledge to share, but is there a way to relate to older customer more quickly, or make them feel more at ease? I know that this is a question that there can't be one right answer for, but any tips would be helpful!

What a good question! Let me turn it over to you, readers.

Let's say you're going into a sexuality shop for either the first time, or with a question that embarrasses you. You look around, and all the sales people are about the age of your grandchildren.

• How do/don't you want to be approached?
• What is the right/wrong thing for a staffer to say to you?
• How can a younger person help you feel more at ease talking about sexual concerns?
• Do you start a conversation that's not about the real reason you're there before honing in on the real question?
• What makes you decide whether or not you can bring up your real concern?
• What questions do you wish you had the nerve to ask, but you don't?

A man I know was 67 when he gathered the courage to walk into a sexuality shop for the first time. He wanted to get advice about buying his first butt plug. He squeaked out the question to the tattooed, nose-ring wearing boy who barely seemed of legal age. The young man led him to the butt plug area of the store and calmly showed him various styles, explaining quietly and clearly which ones were best for novices, and why.

It was clear that (a) he knew his stuff; (b) this was his day job and no question surprised him; and (c) the older man was his valued customer, not an object of ridicule or amazement. The older man felt freer to ask more questions, and he ended up making a purchase that he enjoyed for years.

Would a calm, thorough, matter-of-fact explanation have worked to put you at ease, too?

If you're age 50+, what experiences -- good or bad -- have you had in sexuality shops? I'd love to hear from you.

(Please include your age answering any of these questions.)