Senior Sex & Vibrators: Myths & Facts

I updated this published post because you continue to ask me intriguing questions about sex toys, both out loud and by email. I continue to hear some misconceptions I'd like to clear up. As always, I welcome your comments.

Q: Doesn't using a vibrator decrease sensitivity in women over time so we won't have orgasms as easily?

A: Actually, it's the opposite. As women's bodies age, we get less blood flow to the clitoris and vagina, and the vaginal walls get thinner. Most of us need more arousal time and more time to reach orgasm after we're aroused. Vibrators enhance sensitivity by increasing blood flow to the genitals quickly and powerfully, and by directly stimulating the clitoris. (The clitoris is our #2 pleasure hot spot -- #1 is our brain!)

A well-chosen, well-placed vibrator can mean the difference between an orgasm -- and no orgasm. The more orgasms we have, the more easily we reach orgasm the next time. So using a vibrator to get us over the edge actually enhances sensitivity and ease of reaching orgasm.

Q: My husband is worried that if I use a vibrator, I'll prefer it to him. (Another version of this question that I receive from men: I've heard that once a woman gets a vibrator, it's bye bye Charlie -- no way I can compete with that thing.) 

A: Not a chance. A vibrator may give quicker orgasms (that's what it's made for, after all), but it doesn't cuddle well or kiss or laugh, and pillow talk with a vibrator is really boring. It either buzzes or it doesn't. It's a dull companion -- except when we need a sexual assist.

If a woman prefers a sex toy to the exclusion of her lover, it's a signal that there's a bigger problem in the relationship than sex toys.

Q: My man says I should reach orgasm "naturally" and not have to use a sex toy. But I just can't come during intercourse unless I add my vibrator at the right moment.

A: I hate those "should's." Most women do not come through intercourse alone, and that gets truer the older we get. Point out to him where his penis contacts you during intercourse vs. where your clitoris resides.

And when he arouses you manually, which I hope he does, point out that he's less likely to get carpal tunnel syndrome from your long arousal time if he incorporates a vibrator in arousal play.

That's right, it's not a choice between him or it -- make it a threesome: the two of you using the vibrator together.

Q: Are there any good sex toys for senior men?

A: Oh, yes! Male bodies have the same issues as female bodies with different visible results -- decreased blood flow and hormonal changes make it more difficult to get or sustain an erection. Men may need longer arousal time and extra stimulation.

There are sex toys made especially for penises, such as masturbation sleeves and cock rings. A prostate stimulator can make a huge difference in sexual enjoyment. A cock ring placed on the erect penis can help keep the blood from draining away.

If this is new to you, please visit an education-focused sex toy store such as the ones I recommend and ask a staff person to help you understand what the toys do.


Q: I had two friends who burned themselves with sex toys. Aren't they dangerous?

A: The cheaper ones are cheap for a reason. They generally have no quality standards in materials or construction -- they're called "novelty items," and I don't recommend them.

If your eyes widen at the price of the vibrators I recommend on this blog, consider that I only recommend safe products of medical-grade materials, careful construction, and the best design and function for our older (still sexually passionate!) bodies.

You're paying for research and development and high-quality material that won't degrade, melt, leach nasty chemicals into your body, break, overheat, or burn. That's also why I recommend shopping in woman-friendly sex shops (brick-and-mortar or online) with an emphasis on health and education, like the ones I link to.


Q: You recommend going into a sex toy store and asking questions. But when I do, I see workers who are the age of my grandchildren! I'd be horrified to talk about sex with them.

A:  I'm often invited to visit education-focused sex toy stores to help the staff understand our needs better. I'm always impressed by how well-trained they are already, and how seriously they take their mission to provide sex education to everyone.

We mistakenly assume that if they're the age of our grandchildren, (a) they don't know much; and (b) we can't possibly talk about our sexual concerns with them.

But in reality, they're smart, well-educated "sex nerds" -- meaning that they find sex information the most fascinating topic ever. They have knowledge that will help us enrich our sex lives. They want us to feel comfortable asking them questions. It's up to us to meet them with a smile and a question, and give them a chance to help us.


Please see my many other posts about sex toys here, including reviews of specific products, with links to retailers I personally endorse because they value women and men of our age and treat us well.

Note to retailers: Do not spam my comments section, because I'll delete any comment that takes my readers to a retail site I have not endorsed. (If you're noticing that there are fewer comments here than a day ago, I just caught another commenter who tried to hijack  you to a commercial retail site that I do not endorse. Sorry I missed it the first time.)  If you think you should be included in the retailers I endorse, contact me personally. Thank you.  -- Joan