Adult Sex Ed Month: HuffingtonPostLive, AASECT conference, and a new senior sex book

 June has been declared Adult Sex Ed Month (#AdultSexEdMonth) by Ms. Quote (@GoodDirtyWoman on Twitter) who blogs at A Good Woman's Dirty Mind. This idea caught on, and this month, hundreds of posts designated #AdultSexEdMonth from sex educators and bloggers appeared all over the Internet. View the list with links here.

In my world -- advocating for senior sex and educating about older-age sexuality -- every month is Adult Sex Ed Month. This month has been particularly fruitful.

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This month, I participated in a Huffington Post Live event titled "How Old Is Too Old To Have Sex?" with fellow panelists Ashton Applewhite, Walker Thornton, Sidney Schwab, and Ken Solin, hosted by Abby Huntsman. Of course the answer to the question in the title is obvious to us (though not obvious to Abby, until we raised her consciousness), but you'll find the discussion interesting even though you know the answer! Watch it here:

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The annual conference of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists conference always makes my brain swell with new information and ideas from sex educators who are trailblazers in the field. Counselors, therapists, sex educators in community or medical settings, and other people who care about your sexual knowledge and enrichment gather to learn from the leaders. Then people like me come home and spread it around – to people like you.

As always, it was impossible to attend all the sessions of interest, and there’s no way I can share all of the 25 pages of single-spaced notes that I took on my laptop, no matter how many blog posts I write. But here are some highlights and tips that are especially relevant to our age group:

• Some sexual issues are psychological; some are medical or physiological. But even when it's a medical issue, a sex therapist can be important to help you work with whatever is going on. Medical sexual issues affect your sense of self and your relationship. “Any pharmacotherapy for sexual dysfunction should occur within the context of sex and relationship therapy.” (Ricky Siegel)
• One more good reason to quit smoking: Nicotine has been shown to decrease blood flow to the penis and increase venous outflow from the penis -- in other words, less ability to get and maintain an erection. (Ricky and Larry Siegel)
• Women with vulvar or vaginal pain have a difficult time getting the pain diagnosed and treated effectively. Possible causes of pelvic pain are varied, and with the wrong diagnosis (or no diagnosis!), the wrong treatment follows. Look for a three-pronged approach: a sexual medicine physician, a pelvic floor physical therapist, and a certified sex therapist, such as used by the Summa Center for Sexual Health in Akron, Ohio. (Kimberly Resnick Anderson)
• Pelvic floor physical therapists are trained to do internal evaluation of the pelvic floor muscles -- evaluating muscle function, strength, tone, and any points of tenderness. Regular physical therapists are not trained to do this. (Amy Senn)
• Men with low libido: Anxiety, mood, relationship, and religious factors affects libido. “First know what’s going on in the relationship before throwing medication at it.” (Larry Siegel)
• "Nerve sparing" prostate surgery is "a bit of a misnomer." Erectile nerves on the outside of the prostate are very difficult to see and avoid during surgery. "The prostate is deep in the pelvis, and they go pushing around with stainless steel instruments. If cauterizing instruments are anywhere near nerves, it damages them for life. Nerves recover from the pushing and pulling – it takes a long, long time. Nerves go into shock and stop sending message to blood vessels to relax and let blood in.” (Anne Katz)
• “Sexual arousal requires healthy blood flow for everything else to work. Otherwise, nothing happens. Take a 15 minute walk with your partner before sex. It will prime the pump.” (Ellen Barnard)
• After treatment for female genital cancer, using a vibrating wand internally will reduce scar tissue. "Vibration directly to the scar tissue starts breaking up that scar tissue, allowing it to expand, become more comfortable, and allow penetrative sex if we want it.” (Ellen Barnard)
• After cancer treatment, start getting to know “what is”: “What feels good? What doesn’t feel good? What’s numb? What’s painful? How does arousal happen? What does it take? How does orgasm happen and feel? When during the day do I have energy?” (Ellen Barnard) You need to learn this for yourself before you can teach your partner.  (JP: This applies to aging in general, also.) A Woman's Touch has excellent educational brochures for both men and women online at no cost, for example, Healthy Sexuality After Cancer. Visit  www.sexualityresources.com, see the Educational Brochures link in the upper left hand corner of the menu bar for a complete selection.

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The huge news this month for me as a senior sex educator was an invitation from Cleis Press to write a book for them: The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty! I'm thrilled to have a new book to write on my favorite topic, and I'm proud to be part of the fabulous Ultimate Guide collection of sexuality guidebooks. You can be sure you'll hear more about my new endeavor as it unfolds.

Meanwhile, if there's a topic you want to be sure that I cover in this new book, please either post it as a comment here or email me. I love to hear from you. I'm too busy to promise to answer all your questions in detail, but I try to acknowledge your email and point you in the right direction. I admit sheepishly that I have about 400 unanswered emails waiting. If one of these is yours, I thank you for your patience!  (I do give private, educational consultations answering your questions by phone or Skype for a modest fee -- email me for more info about this.)

Stronic Eins: Amazing

 The Fun Factory's Stronic Eins from Good Vibrations is unlike any sex toy I've ever seen/ used/ reviewed. It doesn't vibrate exactly -- it moves back and forth. It pulsates. It thrusts (gently -- don't expect a jackhammer).

If you shake it while it's turned off, you'll feel a solid weight inside that moves around inside the toy. When turned on, the motor moves the weight which makes the whole thing pulsate in different rhythms, depending on the pattern you choose. Quite remarkable -- and wonderful, if you like a gentle thrusting motion in your vagina.

Yes, it really does move like this animation. All by itself. You just insert it, angle it to reach your G-spot, and let it work its magic. You barely have to touch it to keep it where you want it, so although you'll see your whole arm pulsating strangely as you hold it in place using a high setting, you won't feel stress in arthritic joints. At least I didn't.

Here's why you're likely to love it:

• It moves in and out. In and out. In and out. 
• It's rumbly and throbby rather than buzzy.
• It has 10 different patterns and intensities, from dance rhythms ("rumba," "samba," "Viennese waltz") to the strangely named "rattle," "gallop," "dirty dancing," and "roller ball." The controls are easy to find and use -- no reading glasses required. (I can't say that about the minuscule font in the instruction booklet, however.)  
• It's body-safe silicone -- and waterproof. 
• It's rechargeable with a magnetic plug, so no batteries or cords to worry about while you're using it. It holds a charge for a long time.
• It's super quiet.

Here's why you might think twice:

• If you like a slender toy, this may push your limits, as it does mine. It starts at 1.25", gets to 1.5" quickly, then widens to 1.75" at the girthiest point. That would have been too big for comfort, but it was irrelevant -- it got to my G-spot at the 1.5" width. The rest of it just became a handle.
• The bump is supposed to be a clitoral stimulator. It never got close enough to touch my clitoris -- too wide at that point for me. (That didn't matter to me, because, frankly, I was using a different clitoral vibrator at the same time. Yep,  teamwork.) 
• You may feel the drag of the matte silicone. Use plenty of water-based (not silicone) lubricant.
• It's expensive.

"Stronic Eins"? I don't know why a toy this wonderful has such an odd name (does it mean something in German?), but you can rename yours. "OMG." "Darling." "Houdini." "Santa Claus." "Robert Redford." You'll think of something appropriate.

Seriously, what might deter you is the $199 price tag. Yow. I'll say it's worth it, but I also have to admit that I didn't pay for mine -- the good folks at Good Vibrations responded to my request to review it. Thank you, GoodVibes -- I love my Stronic Eins.

I wonder why a $199 toy doesn't come with a storage pouch. It needs one, because it picks up every piece of lint, dust, and cat hair in the room.

Please Note: Because the Stronic Eins technology uses magnets, it should not be used by or with anyone with a pacemaker.

Widows and Widowers: Should we just date each other?

"I think I could only date a widower -- only someone who has gone through this could understand," I told a buddy when I thought I might be ready to start dating after losing my beloved Robert.

I put my preference for widowers prominently in my online dating profile. I later changed that, or at least softened it to "bonus points," just because it narrowed the possibilities too much. But it remains my preference. Here's why:

• When they are talking with animation and suddenly sink into silence and sadness, I understand. 
• When they bring up anecdotes about their wives, I get it.
• When they slip into present tense talking about their spouse, then correct themselves, I remember how often I've done that.
• When they talk vulnerably about their grief, I know I can do that, too.
• When they laugh and talk about their future changes they want to make in their lives, I know what it took to get to that point.

How long does it take to be ready to date? I don't know. We're all different. Don't judge us if we think we're ready, then realize we're not. We’re not grieving for a time, then suddenly done with grief — it’s a spiral: we cycle in and out of grief. We can feel that we’re truly ready to date, and then we’re struck down by missing our beloved powerfully.

And if you date a widow or widower, please don't worry that you're in competition with his or her perfect spouse. You're not in competition with our memories. Understand that there will always be that layer of memories and love, and accept that part of us. It shows that we know how to love.

Recently, I've had a couple of dates with two different widowers. I love the conversation, how easily we slip in and out of past and present, how we acknowledge the fear and the reluctance to date again -- and how we realize that our growth depends on learning how to do that.  Maybe we should just date each other. 

What do you think? Your comments are welcome, especially if you are widowed or are dating a widow or widower.


[Thank you, Sienna Jai Fein, for the post "Widower: What If He’s Not Ready To Date?" on Dating Senior Men, which led me to ruminate on this topic.]

American Savage by Dan Savage: book review

Dan Savage is an outspoken, irreverent, gay sex columnist who gives sex advice to all genders and orientations at Savage Love and on his podcast. With his husband Terry*, he started the "It Gets Better" video project, designed to help kids who are bullied realize that it does get better.

Now he is the author of American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics, a book about sex, love, and marriage in our contemporary culture and how politics, religion, and sexuality get mixed together -- and badly mixed up.

I admit it -- I'm a Dan Savage geek. I find his sex advice smart, witty, usually right on the mark. I read his column, I subscribe to the long version of his podcast, I go around quoting him. When Dan had me on his podcast giving senior sex advice, I felt that I had achieved star status.

So I was prepared to like Dan's new book. I had no idea that I would love it, highlight it, bookmark it, rave about it. I had no idea that Dan could write so eloquently, and from the heart. For example:

• "Sex education in America is a lot like a driver's-ed course that covers the internal combustion but not steering or brakes...so long as we skip past pleasure, desire, and negotiating a romantic or sexual relationship ... we aren't really teaching young adults about sex."
• "Fighting your sexuality is like holding your breath: It can be done, yes, but not for long (when it comes to your breath) and not forever (when it comes to your sexuality)."

Politically, Dan is razor-sharp. His one-hour, dinner table debate with Brian Brown, President of the National Organization for Marriage, about gay marriage is worth watching on YouTube -- but what you don't know about what happened before and after the debate is here in American Savage, such as the one question Terry asked after the debate was over:

"Do you think our son should be taken away from us?"

 "You shouldn't ask me a question when you know you won't like the answer," Brown said.

"Get the fuck out of my house," Terry said.

Dan's personal stories are moving, especially when he writes about his mother's death, his husband, or his son. Each time he speaks from his heart with a story from his own life, it is to illustrate or lead us to an important point.

Dan Savage makes you think about things you thought you knew. For example, when is/isn't it okay to cheat?

"We are socially monogamous -- we pair bond; we couple up... but we are not sexually monogamous... The fact that your partner is willing to 'forsake all others' only means something is your partner doesn't, on some level, want to forsake all others. and your partner doesn't."

How can you help laughing when he writes about Rick Santorum ("then the third most powerful person in the United States Senate [who] equated gay people to child rapists and dogfuckers") and Dan's campaign to launch a new meaning for the word "santorum": "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex" in our culture and in Google searches.

I could go on for another hour, but here's the bottom line: I recommend American Savage to everyone, straight or gay, who cares about how confused our culture is about sexuality and religion and politics. Please read this book and share it with people in your life who agree with you -- and those who don't.

*Okay, since I'm being honest here -- I drool over the photo of Dan's husband Terry posing in underwear, which I'll share here with you, at the risk of undermining the intellectual nature of this book review.

Terry posing in underwear

Invitation: What do you want to see in new book?

Here's an inside look at a writer's brain: Every time I finish writing a book, I shout, "There! I've done it! There's nothing more to say!"

 But there always is more to say, more to think about, more to learn, more to teach.

What questions, concerns, and topics related to sex and aging did I not cover in Naked at Our Age, or cover too briefly? What more would you like to know about aging and sexuality in all its colors?

 Yes, I'm thinking about my next book, and I need your input! Brainstorm with me by posting your suggestions. (Though you're welcome to use a fake name, please tell me your real age.)

5/27/13 update: Here are some ideas that followers of my Naked at Our Age Facebook page posted, to get you started:

• Do you cover Tantra? Or is that too New Age for "our age"?
• I'd like to know what I can do in my 40s to prepare for the longest, healthiest, most enjoyable sex life possible in the decades that follow. 
• I know you covered some of this in Naked at Our Age but more of how to deal with Sexless Marriage would be real good thanks xxx

What else, readers? Don't worry if your idea seems unconventional or offbeat. If you give me an idea I didn't think of myself, that's very helpful. If you repeat an idea I did think of myself, I know to make sure I'm covering it thoroughly. 

If you'd rather email me your ideas privately with more detail, or if you'd like your experiences included in this book, email me here and put as subject header: "Include in new book."  Thank you! 

Age 69+ wanted to discuss sexuality in documentary film

Recently, I had the pleasure of being interviewed by TV documentary film makers Lauren Buongiovanni Hunt, Linda Duvoisin, and their crew about my older-age sexuality views, experiences, and attitudes.

It was a fabulous experience! The film project, titled "69 and Up! Sex and Intimacy in the Golden Years," is intended to reveal the sexual wants and desires of people age 69 and over, presenting us positively and joyfully.

Would you like to be involved? Here is the call for volunteer participants from Lauren, both written and via video, explaining what she and Linda are looking for. Again, the experience was totally positive for me -- respectful, fun, absolutely non-sleazy. I hope you'll want to participate, too.

From Lauren Buongiovanni Hunt:

 I’m making a documentary film that explores sexuality, intimacy and older adulthood. I have a belief that my desires and drive for intimacy and sex will remain present throughout my lifetime While they may change (and/or even grow!), they will remain present and intact as I grow older. It seems to me that as the generation of the ‘sexual revolution’ enters older adulthood our culture needs to undergo an attitudinal revolution about how we view older people and their sexuality. After all, more and more of us will grow to live in older adulthood. Yet, one does not need to look very far to see how our society values youth and eschews the possibilities of the beauty of sensuality in older adults.

 The film, 69 and Up! Sex and Intimacy in the Golden Years, will interview sex experts, doctors, sociological professionals as well as older adults who are beautiful examples of what the possibilities can be. The purpose of the film is to portray that the science and the practice demonstrates that sexuality and intimacy in the latter part of life is alive and well.

 I am seeking volunteers who are willing to share their story – straight, gay, married, dating, widowed, etc. – as long as you are willing to be open for the purpose of sharing your experiences for the purpose of illuminating the challenges, successes and joys of sex and intimacy in older adulthood. I am seeking both men and women.
Email me at Lauren@gingersnappublishing.com for more information and/or questions about volunteering.

How did your mother's teachings about sexuality affect you?

Shirley Kassman and
daughter Joan

Let's do something different here for Mother's Day: Looking back, how did your mother's teachings about sexuality affect how you matured, interacted in relationships, saw yourself as a sexual being, enjoyed your sexuality?

I was born in 1943. When I came of age, my mother taught me nothing about sex other than a little about menstruation. The birds-and-bees talk was left to my obstetrician/ gynecologist father, who gave me a pamphlet about how women got pregnant accompanied by "ask me if you have any questions."

Joan 1961,
senior year high school

Sure, I had questions. No, my parents weren't the ones I asked. Since my father regularly saw girls my age who were "in trouble," as unplanned pregnancy was called at the time, his point of view was decidedly and strictly a "don't do it!" warning.

So when I started having sex at 17 with my high school boyfriend, I knew I would be in big trouble if I got discovered (I did, but that's another story), and I knew nothing about pleasure.

Pleasure -- or why anyone would do these strange things with each other -- was totally omitted from my sex education. That's a weird and dangerous omission! When kissing and "petting" got me aroused, I was surprised and thought something was happening to me that didn't happen to other girls. What to do about that arousal remained a mystery, however.

In those days, no one mentioned the clitoris, not in the laughable "hygiene class" that was supposed to teach sex ed, not in any books I could find, and certainly not in the pamphlet that was supposed to ready me for adult sexuality. I had heard that women could have orgasms (no idea where I learned that), but how to make that happen? I had no idea -- neither did my boyfriend.

I have two chapters in Naked at Our Age called "Unlearning Our Upbringing" -- one with women's stories, one with men's stories. They're poignant, provocative, compelling. At a certain point we either look at our upbringing and realize it doesn't serve us any more, and we change -- or we don't.

I hope you'll add your comments and share your own experience. You don't have to use your real name (choose a first name of your choice instead of "anonymous"), but please tell us your real age so we can see how the era in which we were raised affected what we were taught about sex.

(A much shorter version of this post was published on Mother's Day 2011.)