Scary Old Sex by Arlene Heyman: book review

I was prepared to love this book even before I opened it. Scary Old Sex -- what a title! -- and it was written by Arlene Heyman, who had been a classmate of mine at Bennington College in the 1960s. We didn't know each other well (maybe she didn't know me -- Joan Kassman at the time -- at all), but her reputation as a brilliant writer, certain to succeed, was well-known even then.

Now Heyman, a therapist/psychoanalyst in New York City, has written a stunning collection of stories, some (not all) of which feature people our age. What I love most is that her characters, whether old or younger, have bodies and sex drives and sometimes quirky ways of living with both.

This collection is not erotica, and many of the stories are not directly about sex at all. Some of the characters are old; others are not. But overall, the characters' sexual behavior and longings; their feelings about sex, their own bodies and their partners' bodies; the effects of the passing of years on sexual expression and desire; and how relationships work (or not) -- all of this provides both chaos and clarity about how we age as sexual beings.

For example, in "The Loves of Her Life," 65-year-old Marianne needs both Vagifem and a progression of explicit fantasies in order to make love with her second husband, 70-year-old Stu. "For them, making love was like running a war: plans had to be drawn up, equipment in tiptop condition, troops deployed and coordinated meticulously, there was no room for maverick actions lest the country end up defeated and at each other's throats."

In "Dancing," Matt, who is hospitalized for cancer treatment, must devise constant work-arounds for the pain when he tries to eat. Yet he is absorbed by how to make love to his wife, Ann, despite the fear that their tongues touching might kill him, as immunosuppressed as he is. Their resolution: he triple-gloves his hand, they both wear masks (she also wears a hospital gown, hairnet and booties, taking no chances), and he brings her to orgasm manually. "And he wept. Because she came and because it was over so fast and they were back to themselves with her underpants down around her ankles, the pad beneath her, and leukemia."

Sometimes the bodies Heyman describes sound quite alien -- except that we (who have lived this long) know them to be ours: "Aged flesh is so fertile, grows excrescences: papules, papillomas, skin tags, moles that have to be checked yearly; yet the hair thins out, underarm and pubic, as if the soil had changed to one that no longer supports that verdant shrubbery, but instead nourishes an astonishing variety of wild mushrooms -- beautiful, if you have an eye."

I highly recommend Scary Old Sex if you're fond of literary short stories and you're willing to look at aging, bodies, relationships, and sex with a magnifying glass.

I invited Arlene Heyman to answer a few questions:

Arlene Heyman

JP: Kudos for this collection of beautifully crafted short stories that portray our age group with compassion and insight. Your scenes of older-age sex are powerful because they are realistic and fully human – no caricatures, no derision, no skipping the joys and challenges of sex in older bodies. What went into your decision to write about “old sex” this way?

AH: I didn't decide to write about old sex. Scary Old Sex contains two stories about old people and their sexuality; five other stories are about people of different ages. There is sexuality and the body in almost all of the stories, because the body is with us throughout life and we live to a great extent through it.

JP: Were the sex scenes difficult to write?

AH: I think it is hard to write about sex at any age. The Guardian ran 3 articles about writing about sex, one by a guy in his twenties, one by a woman in her forties, one by me in my seventies) and we were all scared to death of what others would think of us. Frankly, I think it's hard to write about anything. I find writing very difficult. Some great writer said, "Oh, writing is easy. You just sit down at the typewriter and open a vein." (Note from Joan: this quote has been attributed to Red Smith, Paul Gallico, and Ernest Hemingway.)

JP: Why do you think it’s so rare to find books that treat older people as sexual beings?

AH: I think it's because of oedipal taboos that it's rare to find books that deal with old adults having sex. The little girl loves her mother, then her father; the boy loves his mother, and then again his mother until the age of 5 or 6. Everyone who has had children and was open-minded saw that the boy wants to marry mommy and the girl daddy. 

Then the passionate intensity goes underground and in adolescence the main job is breaking the passionate attachment to parents and turning the passion towards one's peers. It is a period of mourning, of giving up the parents, and it is hard.(It is also a time of great excitement because one is entering the larger world.). 

Part of the way one turns away from the parents is by finding them disgusting as sexual objects. One tries not to think of them as sexual. That barrier one has to set up to start out on one's own life remains firmly in place. And it extends throughout life: one views one's parents as asexual throughout life. Old people are people's parents. They must be asexual. 

And then old people do it to themselves; they neuter themselves as they had to neuter their parents. Hence, books about sex in old age--disgusting. And no one writes them.

JP: What else would you like my readers to know?

AH: A fiction writer doesn't have an ax to grind. I'm not a politician. I didn't write that book to propagandize anyone. As a person, I do hope to stay alive until I'm dead, and part of being alive is having a body. I wish for myself (and so I suppose for your readers) to think freely, know what I think, and to try to act on it so long as it doesn't hurt myself or another person. Life, more life!

Doctors, Talk to Us about Our Sex Lives!

4/3/16: I'm bringing this 2014 post to the top because I'm giving a talk to doctors and other medical professionals tomorrow in Milwaukee. I want these comments from my readers to be easy to find if they read my blog after that -- which I hope they will!

About half of all sexually active men and women aged 57-85 in the United States report at least one bothersome sexual problem; one third report at least two. Yet only 38 percent of men and 22 percent of women reported having discussed sex with a physician since the age of 50 years. 

Why does this information barrier exist? And what can you, as professionals, do to overcome it with your patients and clients?

These are the questions I posed to the attendees at the beginning of “Talking about Senior Sex: A Presentation for Medical Professionals, Therapists, and Others Working Professionally with the Older-Age Population,” which I presented at The Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis on June 19, 2014. I was so jazzed by the responses during that workshop that I wanted to continue the discussion, so I took it to my Naked at Our Age Facebook page (which I invite you to read and “like”).

Our community jumped in eagerly with their comments and experiences. Here are some of those:

• It would suffice if they just asked. I think they are 1) embarrassed, and 2) afraid that a nestful of psychological tangles would emerge, which would take a lot of their time. As a doctor, you would have to believe that relationships, beliefs, and habits contributed to illness, and I think most of them are just looking for a set of symptoms. The mind-body connection is far from their thoughts. 


• It may be difficult for physicians to broach topics on sex because of their lack of education on sexual matters - not just with senior sexuality. Often such topics are delegated to nurse specialists or physician assistants. There are also shades of sexuality beyond the range of physiology, endocrinology, anatomy, and other hard sciences that are beyond the scope of topics covered in med school and continuing medical education. We need to take charge and help drag medical providers along with us on this topic.


• Sex over 55 is often challenging if your parts are in perfect working order, but if they are not, then it’s an entirely different ball game. As someone who has lived with a sexual challenge for 20 years (and who is now 67), I found, in the beginning that it was helpful to write a letter to the doctor prior to the appointment - an ice-breaker. Now, however, after such a long-term medical problem, I am really very open with all the doctors I see and they either handle it or they don't - they can choose!


• We live in a culture that allows only a few sexual subjects to be discussed and those in limited ways. Having lived a lifetime hiding or being ashamed of our sexual natures, it can be a huge challenge to just start talking about "it" when we reach those years. The mechanics of sex may be easier to discuss than unmet needs and innate desires. It is a gift to be sexually sovereign in our culture.


• In my case, no doctor ever broached the subject. I was always the initiator. After 12 years of fertility work, four ectopic pregnancies, numerous spontaneous abortions and nerve damage resulting from a rape, surgeries and malpractice (they refused to remove the infamous Dalkon Shield IUD after the rape and subsequent STD infection), it's not a stretch to understand why I had a damaged libido. Only with recent help from two amazing physicians, with whom I can discuss anything, have I begun to find help! Finding this and other groups online has also been salvation of yet another kind. Thanks for opening so many doors to those of us who have foundered for so long!


• Actually, it was through conversations with my nurse practitioner that my road to sexual freedom opened up. Also through my wonderful husband's patience, and Joan's book, Naked at Our Age. There is a taboo about sex at a certain age, but for us it has just been renewed!
  
  
• Particularly as sex and disability is also a taboo subject and many people will have genital dermatoses and that will make it even harder for them to open up to anyone. I am 67 and despite lichen sclerosis, I remain sexually active.


• The doctor needs to be calm, confident and comfortable with the subject. If the doctor is squirmy and clearly uncomfortable, it won't help the patient to open up. Speaking for myself, if I'm a little squirmy and hesitant, I'd appreciate it if the doctor would give me the time and space to squirm a little and build up my courage. I had that experience with a doctor; he asked what was clearly a scripted question, I hemmed and hawed a little struggling to express an answer. Since the answer wasn't immediately forthcoming he just jumped right to the next question. I got the distinct feeling he really didn't want to hear it, so the subject was dropped. On the other hand, a doctor might ask a question and get a very forthright answer they weren't expecting. They better be ready for that too; no eyes bugging out, no jaw dropping, no flinching. They might need to develop the 'warm positive regard' thing that therapists are taught.


• I’m 73, have an older woman doctor trained in Europe who brought the subject up in the course of an annual physical, and was quite matter of fact about it, made me quite comfortable discussing the subject, and referred me to an endo.


• I'm not your target age group but my nurse practitioner at Kaiser simply asked if I was happy with my sex life and, after I affirmed that I was, proceeded to tell me that orgasm was good for my vaginal health (not to mention my psyche) and encouraged me to take charge of my pleasure because it would help make perimenopause easier to take, keep my bladder where it belongs and generally support my wellbeing. Hell yeah -this I knew - but what was even better was that she made it clear that she was there to help. My sexual health was not some secondary aspect. It was a full-fledged piece of my gynecological workup. To which I say - well done!


• I'd like to see it simply become a matter of routine during all regular check ups, or anytime the visit is for more than a sniffle really, as well as anytime mental health/ relationships are discussed. We need to be in the habit of treating the whole person, not just fixing bits and pieces and mending boo-boos.

I hope you’ll continue this important conversation by commenting here. (And if you’d like me to bring this presentation to your organization, please contact me.)

#AdultSexEdMonth

Let's Talk Louder about Senior Sex

I've been writing and speaking about senior sex for 11 years now. Since 2005, I’ve made it my mission to advocate for and educate about older-age sexuality.

At first, my message was simply this: “Yes, we’re having sex after 60 and beyond, and it can be the best sex ever.”

Then, after many responses  and questions from my readers and the media, my message focused on this: “Yes, aging can bring changes that interfere with having good sex in the ways we used to, but for every problem, there is a solution, and here are the facts and tips that will help you enrich your sex life.”

Despite the growing acceptance of older-age sexuality these days, I still find that huge numbers of people who can use this information are not being reached. So many of you don’t know that there are solutions to the problems that aging brings. My email and workshop audiences and private conversations are filled with sentiments like these:

You don’t talk to your doctors about sexual problems that may have medical causes -- or if you do, your doctors don't have good sexual information either, and they're reluctant to talk about sexual issues. 

I hear from single people, "I don't have a partner, so I don’t have sex," not realizing how important solo sex is for sexual health, general physical health, and emotional well-being if you’re unpartnered.

I hear from partnered people, "We can't have sex the way we used to, so we've pretty much given up," not realizing that sexual expression does not have to mean intercourse or anything else that it used to be. 

Often you tell me that you've given up on sexual pleasure and sexual expression -- and this tears my heart. 

I implore you to talk out loud about your sexual issues, learn the facts about sex and aging (my books are good resources), and seek out professionals in your community who have made it their business to educate themselves about senior sex.

If you're working in a sex education or health field, update yourself with the latest knowledge about sex and aging, and reach out to seniors who may not be seeking you out. Make sure that you welcome my age group and have resources for us.

Readers: what resources would you like to see available or more easily available about older-age sexuality? Have you had experiences trying to locate resources and not finding them? I invite you to join the conversation. You can submit a comment under any first name (it doesn't have to be your real one), and please include your real age. (Email me with the subject header "blog comment" if you have trouble posting your comment, and I'll post it for you.)

I look forward to hearing from you.

Seniors: How (and what) is your sex life?

It occurs to me that after 11 years of talking out loud (shouting, insisting, cajoling, writing) about senior sex, the questions that interviewers ask me have become quite intelligent and open-minded.

When I first started this work, interviewers would ask elementary questions (e.g. "Is it true that seniors are having sex?") and would often place a value judgement on what they heard (e.g. "Yeah, but eeuuww, the idea of my parents/grandparents having sex...!")

But now, however young the interviewer is, there's an open attitude, a nonjudgmental striving to understand. It's not such an odd idea anymore that we aren't retiring our genitals at some arbitrary age. This is progress! Or am I just lucky enough to be interviewed by smarter, more sex-positive interviewers?

One topic that interviewers find endlessly fascinating is that we're not settling into old age passively or predictably. Many of us decide that it's time to go after what we want, whether or not it's what we used to want or ever thought we'd want.

I wrote about this in the "Stretching Boundaries" chapter of  The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50, and many of you contributed your experiences in the "Off the Beaten Path: Nontraditional Sex Practices and Relationships" in Naked at Our Age. I'm often asked, "What percentage of seniors are into kink?" or "Are many seniors polyamorous?" or "Are most seniors happier with their sex lives than they were when they were young?" I sometimes answer, "I don't collect statistics -- I collect stories."

Yes, some studies have been done, but more often than not, research and surveys either overlook our generation entirely or only study straight relationships and define sex as heterosexual intercourse, which is just one form of sexual expression. I don't think that our generation is being asked the right questions about what we do, what we want, and how we feel about it.

So I'm opening this up to you: If you're over 50 (lots older is fine!) and you find that your ideas have changed about what you want your sex life to be, please feel free to comment with your views and especially how those views have changed in recent years. Please give yourself a first name (doesn't have to be real) instead of "Anonymous" and include your real age. (If you have any trouble posting a comment, email me with the subject line "blog comment: how and what" and include what you want to say, what name you want to use, and your age, and I'll post it for you.)

I started this discussion on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, which I hope you'll read, "like," and share. Thanks!



Learn more about my most recent book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50. Order here for an autographed copy, purchase from your local independent bookstore, or order from Amazon.

Sybian Update: New Silicone Attachments!

Sybian goes silicone! The wonderful folks at Sybian have been tirelessly working on how they can increase our pleasure and our orgasms, and use body-safe, easy-to-clean silicone. They've just created two beautiful silicone attachments that are rocking my world.

If you're saying, "What's a Sybian?" please read my original review first. Then return here to learn what's new.

The Orb:

If your preference is vibration to your clitoris and vulva without penetration, the unique design of the Orb is my dream vibrator. It consists of an orb (hence the name) at the top of a ramp-like structure, and all of it vibrates powerfully.

This is perfect for those of us who like stimulation to a large area  -- not just the clitoral glans, but the whole vulva. It can be used in several ways, depending on how you position yourself and it:

1. You can press the ramp part against your labia with the orb at your clitoris.

2. Turning the Sybian around, you can press the orb against your vaginal opening and the ramp slides over your labia and clitoris. You may find it challenging to get into position if you're straddling the Sybian for this position -- see the alternative "Recline and Tilt" described below.

3. If you just want the orb against your clitoris, you can turn it around so that the ramp doesn't contact anything -- you just feel the orb part.

Experiment -- there's no way to use it "wrong."

The G-Wave: 

If you like penetration and you prefer a slender width, the G-Wave stimulates your G-spot with a smooth bulb that's only 1.27" in diameter, atop a stem that's even more slender: 1.1" in diameter. Sybian really listened to me when I told them that many of us in our later years prefer -- even require -- a slender toy for penetration.

Because the penetrating part rotates rather than thrusts, it can feel much fuller than the measurements indicate, depending on how high you dial the rotation. Slick the G-Wave with lubricant, and it inserts smoothly and gently or strongly (your choice) rotates in your vagina, stimulating your G-spot. It doesn't feel like a penis -- it feels more like a lover inserting a couple of well-placed fingers and moving them around. Delicious.

The "wave" part (see the wavy lines?) rests against your labia and clitoris and vibrates you to paradise. I like the width of the wave section -- it vibrates against your whole vulva. The vibration control is separate from the rotation, so you can dial it to vibrate to any intensity from light to rumbly strong to I-can't-believe-I'm-experiencing-this -- you'll decide what your limit is.

Suggestion: Start with a low vibration and no rotation. As you become aroused, dial up the vibration a little at a time, and add the rotation if you like it.

Recline and Tilt position:

If you look up other reviews of the Sybian, especially the videos on YouTube, you'll think that the only way to use this phenomenal sex machine is by mounting it. You can do that -- either on your knees (yeah, like we can get on these old knees at our age?) or with the Sybian on a platform and your feet on the floor. However, there's a much easier and more comfortable way to use it.  I've nicknamed it "Recline and Tilt."

As I suggested in my earlier review of the Sybian:

If straddling is uncomfortable for your hips, or if you can't relax that way, you can lie down on your bed with the Sybian between your legs on its power-cord end. Then tilt it forward so that the attachment contacts your genitals without putting weight on you. It's fine to use it this way -- it won't harm the Sybian or you.

Once I discovered how well that position works, I never went back to mounting my Sybian. Both of these new attachments are particularly fabulous if you're reclining, relaxed, and tilting the Sybian  onto you or into you.

 If you already own a Sybian, these attachments will add tremendously to your pleasure. If you don't already own a Sybian, Bunny Lampert, daughter of the inventor, is offering my readers a $75 discount with the code "JOAN75"! 

Order the Orb, the G-Wave, or both attachments here. Learn more about the Sybian here.

Bonus: These silicone attachments also come with pretty, satin storage bags.

22-year-old man: "How to approach older women?"

Jan. 23, 2016 update: I'm bringing this older post up to the top again because of all the questions I'm getting on this subject. I get more emails from younger men -- mostly age 18 to 30ish -- who are attracted to older women (usually 60+) than any other topic!

So I'm resurrecting this post and inviting comments from both young men about what attracts them to older women and from older women about how a younger man can find them and make contact. Are any of the online dating sites especially good to help younger/older connect?

Note: I am NOT matchmaking here, though many young men have begged me to post their email addresses or phone numbers. No, I won't do that. And guys, please don't ask me personally to hook up with you! That kind of request -- yes, I do get them -- feels creepy, and I won't even answer to tell you to stop it. Just stop it. And no, I don't want to know how big or hard your penis is or how long it can perform -- and I really don't want to see a photo of it. Just. Stop. It.

So, that said -- most of the people who ask for help are sincere, respectful, and sensitive to their partner's desires and pleasure. Realize that our age and experience has not turned us into an alien species -- treat us like valued human beings, interesting for more than sex. And please see other posts on this topic here.


Leopardy is a 22-year-old male in Australia who likes older women. He emailed this story to me:

I've had 2 women in my life (sexually only). Great fun, I must admit, but it tears you apart when the bad has to come up. I like older women for their maturity and for their gorgeous features, such as lips, hips, legs, and fragrance, mmmmmmm. I admit I find it rather hard to find the perfect older woman as they all tend to lead me on then shoot me off which hurts like hell.

I met a woman online back in 2004. After 3 months chatting I gave her my details and she came up here. We had sex, and then she really got abusive and threatened me with police threats etc. She told her so-called friends about me and said what a pathetic useless peice of shit I was.

I'd like to know how to approach older women. I just want a woman that can understand me, one that takes me for who I am and NOT degrade me in any way.

Thank you for been so supportive and having a wonderful site. I can't even recall how I got hold of your site, but I was amazed and immediately added it to my favourites.

Leopardy, I encourage you to get to know the older women who attract you before you jump into bed with them. Those who are looking for quick fun probably won't value you the way you want. It's fine to seek a match online, but if you seem to connect, please take some time dating and becoming friends so that you know who she is and she knows you.

That might mean you don't get the instant pleasure and excitement of sex with a stranger who seems to fit your fantasy, but if what you're looking for is a respectful relationship, that takes time to unfold and nurture.

That doesn't answer your question about how to approach older women. I'll repeat the suggestions I gave Sean:

1. Converse, listen (very important!), and flirt as you would with a woman of any age. Yes, she'll recognize the signs. She might be shy about letting you see her signs, in case she fears she's misreading yours, so keep her talking.

2. Don't rush things along -- she wants to know that she interests you as a person, not just a potential bed partner.

3. Look into her eyes a lot. Really listen and respond to what she's saying.

4. Lean towards her to give the body signal that you're interested. Watch for these signs from her: eye contact; leaning towards you; arms relaxed (not crossed in front of chest); playing with hair, clothing, or jewelry.

5. After a nice, long conversation, where you feel there's a connection, you might ask her outright: "I wonder if there's any reason I should not ask you out."

6. If she says, "I'm old enough to be your mother," you can ask, "I really like the maturity and intelligence of older women. The question is, am I too young to interest you?"

7. If you're really brave, carry a copy of one of my books. When she asks about the book, say something like, "I find older women very attractive, and I hope this book will help me understand them better -- in all ways."


I'd love to hear from readers about this topic. I know many readers come to my blog seeking information about older women/younger men relationships, so please contribute yours.

-- Joan

How to Tell Your Partner What You Want: guest post by Esther Perel

How can I tell my man what I want? If I get even slightly turned on, he takes it as a sign that he can simply proceed straight to the gate for take-off. He’ll stimulate me for 30 seconds and get inside me. And in my mind I’m thinking: ‘I wish he would move a little gently, have his hands all over my body. Then I might ask him to kiss me in a certain spot, so I’ll give him a sort of hint of what would feel good.’ Sometimes he gets it, and he responds. But other times – he doesn’t seem to hear me. 

Esther Perel

Amy, age 43, sent this question to therapist and author Esther Perel. Although Amy is a little younger than our age group, both the question and Perel's answer are so relevant to the readers of this blog that I asked Perel for permission to republish her blog post here. She graciously agreed. Here's what she told Amy:

If everyone communicates their needs openly, everyone gains.

Women are constantly told that they need to tell their partner what feels good to them sexually, to be proactive with their desire, to be more assertive and bold. For many people, this is easier said than done. It can feel safer to remain passive and take from our sexual encounters what we can get. Women often tell me that they really like to linger in the pleasures of the preliminaries, that they like them as much, if not more, than the act itself, yet they tend to accommodate their partner and abdicate their wants. They tend to go along with a more stereotypically male definition of sex, where foreplay is the mere introduction to the ‘real’ thing.

However, it is precisely the anticipation, the seduction, the playful touch, the kissing, stroking, and gazing into each other’s eyes – all the stuff that fuels desire and excitement – that make them feel desired. It is those exquisite aspects of foreplay that, for women, often make up the real thing.

Many of the women I work with in my practice worry that they take too long to climax, that their partner will be bored. Once he reaches orgasm, they give up theirs as if his rhythm defines hers. They fake their orgasms, they pretend. They tell me: ‘His ego is too fragile’. ‘I don’t think he can hear me’. ‘I don’t want to hurt him.’ Or: ‘I don’t want him to be angry and to reject me.’ Or even, sometimes, ‘I don’t know what I want, all I know is that I don’t want what I have.’ Men like to hear the guidance, but they can’t stand the criticism. It eats away at their sexual confidence. ‘No sooner do I touch her than she starts dictating to me what to do. I feel so tense following instructions. This tickles, this rubs. Here, she is too dry; there, she is too wet. Slower, faster, harder, softer, it doesn’t stop.’

Obviously, it’s tough on the partners too — these sorts of requests can come across as commands at a time when both people in the room are at their most vulnerable.

Talk about your preferences and desires before and after intimate moments, not only during them. For women and for men, when we feel sexually frustrated we are likely to be irritable, less patient, more aggressive and tactless. Instead of saying ‘I would like more stroking’, we say: ‘Why do you always go straight for my breasts?’ or ‘You never kiss me’ or the crowning put-down: ‘I never had this problem with my previous girlfriend.’ As a rule, sexual communication around what we want and how we want it is better discussed outside the bedroom, not while we are engaging with each other. Expressing appreciation for having your partner in your life is critical to helping him or her feel confident to take in all your needs, without seeing your complaint as a diminishment of his masculinity or her femininity.

Utilize non-verbal communication.I am a therapist, so I obviously value talking, but I also challenge the insistence of the verbal as the superior way to communicate. We speak with our bodies, with actions, with a gaze. The body, as a matter of fact, is our mother tongue; we express so much in the physical language long before we can utter one word. While I think that talking is important for couples, we are facing a situation where sharing is not a choice but a mandate. There is this perceived wisdom that if you don’t share or talk, you are not close. That is a false assumption and one that puts a lot of pressure on men in particular. There’s a lot to gain from showing your partner, non-verbally, what you like. Gently take his or her hand, guide it, move around so that you have got it where you like it.

Although this is a heterosexual example, I also see examples of a similar dynamic in same sex couples — where one partner capitulates to the other’s needs, or simply does not feel comfortable communicating what he or she wants to experience. Both men and women fall in the trap of believing that if you need to discuss methods, it means there is not a good sexual connection. How about rethinking that? Doesn’t it make more sense that if you feel you can communicate your wants openly, that’s the ‘real’ sign of a good sexual vibe?

Do you effectively communicate your physical and emotional needs to your partner(s)? If not, what’s holding you back? What tactics have been most successful to getting what you want? Leave your comments below and join the conversation.




Esther Perel is recognized as one of the most insightful and provocative voices on personal and professional relationships and the complex science behind human interaction. Perel is a practicing psychotherapist, celebrated speaker, and the best­-selling author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, translated into 25 languages. The New York Times, in a cover story, named her the most important game changer on sexuality and relationships since Dr. Ruth.

Perel is a two-time TED speaker: Her critically acclaimed viral first TED talk reached nearly 5 million viewers in the first year and recently released second one, on the topic of infidelity, was viewed nearly 2 million times in the first month. Watch her here: