Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50 by Joan Price available now!

I am happy to announce that The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life (Cleis Press) is available now!

That means that you can start 2015 with the most comprehensive and up-to-date guide to sex after 50, 60, 70, 80 and beyond.

You'll learn immediately useful information and tips about medical challenges, loss of libido, loss of intimacy, dating, elusive orgasms, erectile dysfunction, vaginal pain, self-pleasuring, sex toys, kink, and more.

If you want information about the sexual changes, questions, and concerns you’re experiencing. The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty offers straightforward, nonjudgmental information and immediately useful tips, spiced with comments from my readers.

The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty delivers solid, practical information in a friendly, accessible style to help you -- whatever your gender or orientation, partnered or unpartnered -- enjoy your sexuality for the rest of your life. 


Do you want your copy of The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50 now? Here are three ways to get it:

1. Order directly from Joan for an autographed copy with this PayPal button:
   
   

   Autograph to [name]:

   
2. Buy from your local bookstore. They probably have it in stock; if not, ask them to order it.
3. Order from Amazon with this link.

What's inside the covers? Check out the Table of Contents:

Chapter 1: Busting the Myths about Sex and Aging 

Chapter 2: What’s Happening to My Body? 

Chapter 3: Getting Your Mojo Back 

Chapter 4: Sex with Yourself and Toys 

Chapter 5: Sex with a Longtime Partner 

Chapter 6: Stretching Boundaries 

Chapter 7: When Intimacy Ends 

Chapter 8: You and Your Doctor 

Chapter 9: When Sex Is Painful 

Chapter 10: Cancer, Cancer Treatment, and Sex 

Chapter 11: Heart, Brain, Joints, and Sex 

Chapter 12: Sex without Erections 

Chapter 13: Single after All These Years 

Chapter 14: The New Rules of Dating 

Chapter 15: Sex with a New Partner 

Chapter 16: Safer Sex: Always 

Chapter 17: Sexy Aging Going Forward 

Chapter 18: Conclusion 

Recommended Resources

Joan with Brenda Knight

I was so excited about the arrival of my books that I drove an hour and a half in gusty winds to the Cleis office to pick up the copies I ordered, rather than wait for shipping. I arrived to find Brenda Knight, the queen of Cleis Press, and the whole staff as excited as I was!

Loving Our Own Aging Bodies

Lauren Marie Fleming's email to me began,

I'm putting together the final touches for the launch of my BawdyLove program and I wanted to ask if you'd be interested in sharing what I'm calling your "Bawdy Love origin story", or the moment(s) where you decided you were done hating yourself and ready to work towards loving yourself fully.

I didn't ever "hate" my body, but I didn't see it as beautiful or sexy through most of my teenage and adult years. I looked good in clothes, but naked, my body was far from the media's image of what a sexy female body should look like. My breasts have never been perky, not even as a teenager. They always flopped, and the older I get, the flatter and floppier they become.

But here's the strange thing: I love my body now more than I ever have. OK, you can tease me about my eyesight, but honestly, it isn't about what I look like -- it's what I feel like. and I feel like a beautiful, sensual, sexy woman at age 71. Here's how I got here:

1. When my great love Robert and I fell in love, he truly found me beautiful and told me so often. He and I had a morning routine, where he brought me coffee in bed, I let the covers slip from my breasts, he covered his eyes and stepped back as if dazzled by my beauty. This didn't just go one way -- I would drink in his body with my eyes and tell him, "You're the handsomest man in my world." Take-away point: If you're lucky enough to have a lover in your life, let each other know how sexy/ beautiful you find each other.

2. I discovered shaper bras that can give me the uplift and cleavage that my breasts don't have on their own, and that makes me feel confident in sexy, revealing clothing. Take-away point: Shop for underwear and outerwear that show off your body to the best advantage. Put the accent on revealing rather than covering up.

3. I did a lingerie shoot with a photographer at age 65, and I enjoyed it so much that I repeated the experience at age 68. (Hmm, I'm due for another!) I learned so much from the experience of posing in lingerie and seeing the photos afterwards. Take-away point: Pose in lingerie if this intrigues you -- you'll discover that the camera reveals how sexy you are in ways you never saw on your own.

4. I realized that this body, whatever its age, is capable of giving me great sensual and sexual pleasure. What's sexier than that? I celebrate my body because of the sensations and the pleasure I get from it. I encourage you to do the same. Take-away point: Whether you're partnered or not, experience, enjoy and love your body's sexy gifts to you. 


I asked followers of my Naked at Our Age Facebook page to comment about their own body image challenges. Here's what they said:

• I turned 62 yesterday and of course never appreciated my young self's body. While I try to appreciate my current body, sagging breasts, stretch marks, and loose skin make my newly single sex life a challenge. The lights are out before sex and I don't dress or undress in front of him. He likes my body but I'm still not comfortable being naked in front of him.
• I'm 55. I have been severely limited in expressing myself freely because I think I should be a smaller size. A friend who was heavier than me once said, "Men don't care what size you are as long as they can get it in there!" Too funny! I guess she could sense my fear was holding me back from meeting anyone. I have never been able to be that uninhibited about not being my ideal size. Hence, I have been alone a while now. I say I'll meet someone when I trim down.
•  How about also addressing the challenge of explaining scars from injuries and surgeries to a person not yet familiar with what adventures and misadventures you have survived? Along with the ethical quandary of a cancer survivor (with the scars to prove it) dating a person who lost their mate to cancer?
• The most insecure I have been is after surgeries. Explaining your scars and exposing them is nerve wracking. Plus your body has been through a trauma and getting intimate after these events takes time from healing and a patient lover.
• [from a therapist:] I frequently counsel with gorgeous women from 30-65+ who look at their body in the mirror and all they see is the tummy roll from child-bearing or their less than 34D bust. What I see is a woman who is physically, spiritually and emotionally beautiful, but just doesn't look like the Victoria's Secret models. You must love yourself before you can love others, and that includes your body.

To everyone of my age or any age: Please stop putting your life on hold. This is your body. Rejoice in its capacity to give you pleasure. If you're partnered, let your lover(s) see you fully enjoying your own body. If you're solo, celebrate your body's sensations. Sexy is an attitude.

Lauren Marie Fleming

I hope you'll comment with your own experience and viewpoint. 

I encourage you to learn more about  Lauren Marie Fleming's 10-week Bawdy Love program to help you "kick the habit of negative self-doubt and replace it with the practice of radical self-love." I know Lauren personally, and I encourage you to explore what she's offering. 

Transparent and Still Mine: highly recommended

I'm always hungry for films that portray aging and relationships insightfully, teaching me something new and unexpected.

Amazon Prime jolted me recently with two stellar offerings -- one series and one film -- that feature aging characters who don't fit any of the stereotypes. Both affected me profoundly, and I recommend them to you:

Transparent

At 68, Mort (played masterfully by Jeffrey Tambor) comes out as a trans woman who wants to be called Maura. In this sweet, smart, and strongly acted ensemble series, we see the strengths and vulnerabilities of Mort/Maura and a family of ex-wife and three adult children -- who make a ton of relationship mistakes of their own.

This 10-episode series resolves many questions and leaves enough unanswered to allow for a second season, which is in the works -- hurray!

Yes, there's lots of sex in Transparent, but (boo) only Maura's children are having it. Maura is more interested in establishing her identity and being accepted by her family than in having sex with anyone -- at least in season 1. Will this change in the second season?

Still Mine

Craig (James Cromwell) is watching Irene (Geneviève Bujold), his wife of 61 years, lose her memory. He loves her fiercely and wants to protect her by building a house that will be easier for her to live in.

Although Craig has been building houses his whole life, he's no match for the bureaucracy that insists on permits and strict adherence to building codes that are irrelevant to Craig  (the plans are in his head; the lumber came from a tree he felled; the knowledge came from his father and a lifetime of craftsmanship and self-sufficiency).

The love and chemistry between Craig and Irene are powerful. The tenderness in their loving looks and caresses will make you applaud or cry or both. And rather than portray this elderly couple as sexless, there's a sexy undressing scene early in the film that includes, "This never gets old. We always did passion well."

This film is based on real people and actual events. Don't miss it.




What films have you watched that portrayed aging and relationships in a non-stereotypical way? I look forward to your recommendations.

Sexy Seniors' Holiday Gift Guide 2014

Searching for a sexy gift for your lover or yourself?

2014 has been a great year for innovative sex toys! Here are my favorites from December 2013 to December 2014:

Palm Power: New favorite vibrator! Drum roll, please: Introducing the Palm Power, a lightweight, ergonomically designed product that packs so much power into a small, silicone topped vibrator that it jumped to #1 on my personal Hit Parade the first time I used it. And the second time. And... you get the picture. I continue to be amazed at how a vibrator this small can deliver such intense vibrations. With the different caps available, this vibrator is versatile for any gender body.

Doxy - a power tool: Oh my. I wouldn't have imagined that a vibrator this strong existed. I don't even need to take it to the highest power setting to send me spinning into space. Even the low settings are strong and they're rumbly rather than buzzy. A really strong wand vibrator. If you or your loved one needs extra power, Doxy delivers.



Men, you'll love the Pulse! Presenting... The Pulse, a pulsing, oscillating, amazing vibrator for men that does not require an erection for his pleasure! That's right -- unlike other vibrating "sleeves," the penis does not have to be hard to start enjoying it. Spread open the flexible flaps, rest your penis in it, turn it on, and enjoy the sensations. The Pulse is the perfect gift for the penis in your life.

Iroha: Cutest Vibrators Ever. The Iroha Rechargeable Silicone Vibrators, available in three styles and shapes, are adorable and cushy. I want to cuddle and squeeze them. And yes, they're dynamic little vibrators -- though not turbo power. The vibrator has a cushy layer, covered by a body-safe silicone skin. It's not soft through and through (there's a motor in there) -- just a layer -- so you can press firmly and feel just a little cushioning, or press lightly, and it all feels soft. Delightful.

Minna Limon: Cute, Squeezable Vibrator. I like my new Minna Limon so much that I'm starting to think of it almost as a pet rather than a product. It's cute, touchable, squeezable, fun to play with, and responsive. But no, it's not a pet -- it's a vibrator, and it's a delight. This is a great gift for a loved one, a pal, or yourself. It works like this: Power it on with the button, then squeeze the sides of the Limon. The harder you squeeze, the stronger the intensity, though it never gets super strong. 

Original Magic Wand + Accessories. The Magic Wand has been around since the 1970s, almost as long as I've been having vibrator-assisted orgasms, and it's been responsible for a good many of them. It was called the Hitachi Magic Wand until recently. (I reviewed it here.) Now, after Hitachi sold distribution rights to Vibratex, it's the Original Magic Wand. So the new Magic Wand is called the "original," and it's as strong as ever -- and much less pricey than most quality sex toys.

If you'd like to give a sex-themed gift that isn't a vibrator, consider 

an autographed copy of one of my books (I'll fill orders fast), or pre-order my brand new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty: How to Maintain – or Regain – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life, coming in January.

Need a stocking stuffer? 

• An elegant bottle or refillable case of Überlube, a superbly comfortable, slick, long-lasting, silicone lubricant. (Fine with condoms, not with silicone sex toys.) You can even use it to style your hair or eliminate chafing during sports.


• Condom sampler from Lucky Bloke: great variety, including some brands you've never heard of. And don't you want to do business with a company whose motto is "Have more sex and save the world"?


• Blossom Organics Natural Moisturizing Lubricant or Warm Sensation Lubricant, pH balanced for female bodies. (Fine with condoms and with silicone sex toys.) If she likes arousal gels, the Pure Pleasure Arousal Gel is, as it claims, pure pleasure, adding an extra tingle!

For More Senior Sex News and Views...

A new book coming out in January... regular Sex At Our Age articles for Senior Planet... speaking gigs all over the country... a gazillion yet-to-be-answered emails from readers -- with all that's going on, you may notice gaps of two weeks or more between posts.

That doesn't mean that I'm ignoring my mission to keep the conversation going about boomer and older-age sexuality -- quite the contrary! I'm using my Naked at Our Age Facebook page to give you quick senior sex news and views and links to articles of interest to sex-positive seniors. You'll also find questions I'd love to hear you discuss and occasional rants from me.

Here are some of the topics we've been discussing there:

• Single seniors: What has made you cringe that you've viewed or read on a dating profile?
• The lack of older adults in sexuality research.
• What does your favorite porn say about you?
• Men try sex toys for the first time video -- our guys grumble about the message.
• Sex blogger Erica Jagger's gynecologist says sex ends for women at 65.
• A midlife man talks about his body and posing nude.
• A Danish magazine interviews me about sex toys for seniors.

If you're not following my Naked at Our Age Facebook page yet, visit the page, "like" it, comment on anything that grabs you, and visit often.

Don't assume that you'll automatically see that page in your news feed, even after you've "liked" it, though. Only a small percentage of the page's followers do, because Facebook wants to encourage (strong arm) me to pay to promote the page. You can circumvent that problem by doing this:

1. Go to my Naked at Our Age Facebook page.
2. "Like" it if you haven't already.
3. Hover your cursor over the "liked" button to get a drop-down menu. Click "get notifications." 

Aha, now you'll  receive a notification from Facebook every time I update the page. (Thank you, Eva Gantz of Giving Books a Voice: Helping authors get smart about social media, for explaining this to me.)

Yes, I'll continue to write this blog with topics that need more length and depth than a Facebook update allows. In fact, I have about five different posts in the hopper that I need to finish. Meanwhile, see you on Facebook?

Iroha Mikazuki and Minamo: soft, slender, gentle vibrators

Squishy soft, slim, and ergonomically designed to embrace the vulva, the Iroha Mikazuki and Minamo will delight women who need or prefer a slender and gentle vibrator.

These smooth silicone vibrators can be inserted vaginally or used externally over the clitoris and surrounding area. (It is not designed for anal insertion.)

Differences:

• Mikazuki is a soft yellow color and has a smooth, slightly curved shape. The tip is soft and squishy; the rest has just a bit of cushion. The tip is .7 inch in diameter, progressing to 1.1" midway to 1.4" just above the controls.  


• Minamo is light blue and has a wavy shape. The waves and tip are soft and squishy. The tip is .9" in diameter, progressing to 1.3" at the larger wave. 

Pros:

• Slender, smooth, and soft enough for vaginal insertion by many women who experience pain or discomfort with penetration and for external comfort on older, thinner genital skin. (Of course, use plenty of water-based lubricant.)
• Can fit easily between bodies for extra clitoral stimulation during partner sex.
• Controls are easy to see and use, even with lubed fingers. Use the big button to turn it on and progress through higher intensities; use the little button to decrease intensity or turn it off. You don't even need your reading glasses!
• Body-safe, high-quality materials.
• Rechargeable.



Demo of squishy tip

• Waterproof for use in the tub or shower.

Cons:

• Although the settings are supposed to be low, medium, high, and pulse, the highest setting is what I would call medium. It's not powerful enough for those of us who need really strong vibrations.
• Because they're shaped for both external and internal use, the shape does not easily find the G-spot when used internally. 
• Expensive (but you're paying for high-quality materials and design).

These rechargeable vibrators come in a storage case that is also a charging case. Plug the cord via USB or wall adapter.  Note that when it's charging, a steady light will stay on. That confused me (until I read the directions), because most rechargeable vibrators display a pulsing light while charging, and a steady light when fully charged. Not these.

Is one of these vibrators for you? Yes, if you want a toy that is slimmer and softer than most. (Many of you have told me that most vibrators are too girthy or hard.) No, if you need powerful vibrations or larger girth.

(See also my review of the Iroha Midori, Yuki, and Sakura, the cutest vibrators ever.)

Thank you, Good Vibrations, for sending me the Iroha Mikazuki and Minamo  to review.

Foria -- get your vulva high on cannabis

"Foria. The First Marijuana Infused Personal Lubricant for Her Pleasure" - from the Foria website.

What would happen if you took coconut oil and infused it with THC, the active ingredient in marijuana,  then you rubbed that on your clitoris and labia and in your vagina, waited 30 to 60 minutes, and then had sex? 

Here's how one woman in our community, age 70, described the experience:

I tried this product with a large dose of skepticism at first, but oh my god, I haven't had orgasms this intense for decades. It doesn't increase my arousal or bring me to orgasm faster, but once orgasm creeps up on me, it's more powerful and much deeper than what I've been experiencing as an older woman.

Over the past couple of months, I've continued to use Foria for special occasions -- I don't want to run out too fast! I use it for solo pleasure mostly. It's not condom-compatible, and I only have partner sex with condoms, so except for one lovely "hands only" partner encounter, I've reserved my dates with Foria for self-pleasuring. 

I continue to love this product! As I said, it doesn't affect arousal or decrease the time I need -- I can't even tell it's working until I actually reach orgasm. Then, it makes the orgasm feel deeper, fuller, and way stronger. I wish it were legal everywhere so every woman in our age group who is experiencing muted orgasms could try it.

Yeah, I wish it were legal everywhere, too, and without a medical marijuana prescription. Right now, Foria, a combination of coconut oil and THC (cannabis) oil, used on vulvas for sexual enhancement, is only available for residents of California with a physician statement and recommendation letter for the use of medical marijuana.

Have any of you used Foria? I'd like some opinions/experiences from other people who have tried it, especially (though not exclusively) from our 50-80+ age group. Contact me privately if you don't want to identify publicly, and I'll post for you.

If you tried it but you hesitate to make a public statement because you don't qualify for legal use, I'd still like to hear from you and will keep your info confidential. Email me with "Foria" in the subject line.

This post will be expanded once I gather more personal experiences. I hope to hear from you!

(This post was originally published October 2, 2014. I expanded it after the woman quoted above added to her original comments.)