Cancer Survivor: Can I Have an Intimate Relationship Again?

A reader wrote:

 I am 62, single, and once was a very sexually active woman. I've undergone treatment for breast cancer twice. My recovery required my full attention for years, but now I feel ready for new adventures -- hopefully including sex. After rounds of chemotherapy, surgeries, radiation, and continued estrogen blocking medications, sex with another became a thing of the past. 

Currently, sexual intercourse may no longer be possible for me -- but I still enjoy having orgasms and I desire the wonder of touch. However, I am so concerned about my limitations as a sexual partner that I am afraid to attempt to date again. 

I have no idea what men in my age group expect or desire in terms of performance from their partners. What are woman experiencing in the 60-year-old dating world in terms of performance expectations? Would my current physical circumstance deter most men from being interested in exploring an intimate relationship with me?

I am grateful for this message and all it conveys about hope and healing and moving forward. I understand why you're apprehensive. I would encourage you to get out there and go after what you want.

I know that many single men in our age group also fear "performance expectations"  when erections are no longer possible or predictable. There are many who would welcome a sexual partner who did not expect intercourse, who would be happy exchanging touch, oral and manual stimulation, and fabulous orgasms -- without intercourse.

These men may be cancer survivors themselves, wanting to return fully to life, including sex and intimacy, but they don't know how to navigate the dating world either -- when to divulge the cancer, when to divulge the sexual issues.

You might find out if there's a local cancer survivors' singles group. Or try online dating: I did a search on "cancer survivors singles" and came up with several sites that promote themselves as dating sites for cancer survivors.

There's even one -- "2date4love" --  that "enables people who cannot engage in sexual intercourse to meet and experience love, companionship and intimacy." I haven't vetted any of these sites -- if any of you have tried them, I hope you'll share your experiences.

You don't need to limit yourself to dating companions who share a similar medical history, though. Just be up front about your cancer on a first date if it looks like there's potential for a second date. (If not, you don't need to mention it.)

Then if you progress to a few dates and there's chemistry, it's important to explain that yes, you are interested in sex, but no, this might not include intercourse. Be prepared: Men who desire intercourse may want to discontinue getting to know you, and that's okay.

When all the cards are on the table, if the relationship progresses, you have the delightful journey of exploring all the ways you can be sexual without intercourse!

Even when a date doesn't progress to more, it's still worth getting to know new people, "practicing" dating, trying out how to tell a potential partner about your needs, desires, and challenges.

If you take it all as part of the brave new world of dating experience, you don't need to feel regretful or shamed when a new relationship (or potential relationship) doesn't work out. Most of them will not work out -- that's the nature of the game.

Everything I've said so far presumed that you're right that intercourse will not be possible for you. But please explore whether there are ways that you can heal yourself vaginally, if this is something you want to pursue. An excellent resource is "Vaginal Recuperation after Cancer or Surgery" from A Woman's Touch, one of my favorite sexuality resource centers.


I hope you'll check in again and share what you tried, how it worked for you, what you learned and gained.

I hope that you'll share your thoughts, too, readers.

Gen Silent: Watch for free by 1/1/14

Please make time to watch Gen Silent. The producers of this LGBT Aging documentary have made it available free for home streaming through New Years Day 2014.

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender older people who fought the first battles for equality now face so much fear of discrimination, bullying and abuse that many are hiding their lives to survive. Thousands are dying earlier than their straight counterparts because they are isolated and afraid to ask for help. But a growing number of people are fighting to keep LGBT aging from meaning aging in silence. 

"LGBT elders are going back in the closet."
"In the first nursing home, we weren't welcomed there as a gay couple."
"They [caregivers] didn't want to touch my body."
"You just know when they don't want you there. When you feel they don't want you, you're in a state of stress."
"All I can do is sit in shadows, holding his tissue-paper hand, watching him breathe."

These are comments from LGBT elders speaking out about the prejudice, hostility, and fear they face. No, not just when they were young, but now -- in long-term care facilities, from caregivers, and from medical providers.

KrysAnne, a transgender woman, is living alone at the end of her life. "Most people who transition expect losses, but I didn't expect to lose everyone," she says. "For two years, I desperately tried to connect with my family. In some cases the letters weren't even opened."

One letter that was returned contained the message, "So glad someone finally took off your balls. What do you call yourself now. FREAK or IT??"

Thank you, filmmaker Stu Maddux, for making this stunning documentary and for providing it for free streaming right now. I'm not permitted to embed the video here, so please click here to watch it.

I am permitted to embed the trailer:




After you watch the film, I hope you'll contribute your comments. (By posting here, you're giving me permission to use excerpts from your comments in my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty, without identifying you in any way.)

What do you want in a sex toy? Serious question to Boomers, seniors, elders

Sex toy manufacturers and retailers are aware that we Boomers, seniors, and elders use sex toys and are often frustrated when we buy products that don't fit our needs or wants.
 
You may not realize that many of those manufacturers and retailers follow this blog. They are eager to know what we want, exactly. They want to understand us. And of course, they want to make and sell products that appeal to us and keep us very happy.

Let's help them out. If you're over 50, I invite you to comment on this post and describe the kind of sex toy you wish you could find. (If you think you already read this post, I've updated it and added more.)

Here are some ideas to start you out. Many of us want these qualities:

• Strong intensity.(Our king is the Hitachi Magic Wand.)
• Vibrations last a long time without losing the charge.
• Long-lasting product -- does not break or die.
• High quality, body-safe materials, accurately described. (Don't tell us it's silicone if it's not.)
• Materials and construction that doesn't pinch, pound, or scratch delicate tissues.
• Instructions we can read without a magnifying glass. Or better, make the instructions truly intuitive.
• Handles and controls that we can use with fingers slippery from lubricant.
• Dimensions provided in your retail description. 
• If insertable, slim version available (under 1.5" diameter).
• Ergonomic -- don't make our arthritic wrists hurt.

Your turn -- take it from here! What do you look for? What problems do you try to avoid? What should sex toy manufacturers and retailers know about how to serve you best? Here's your chance to tell them.

Request: when you comment, if you want to remain anonymous, I'd appreciate it if you would use a first name of your choice (it doesn't have to be your own). That way, instead of a string of comments from people all named "Anonymous," we can keep track of who said what. Please include your real age in your comment or in the name you choose.

Note: By posting here or emailing me, you're giving me permission to use excerpts in my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty (Cleis Press) if they fit. What you tell me may help others significantly. (If I use your comments in my book, I won't identify you in any way, and I'll be careful to delete any details that might lead someone else to identify you.)

Note #2: If you represent a sex toy retailer or another sex-themed or other-themed site, read and learn, but do not try to pull my readers to your site using a link. I moderate comments, I look at the links, and your comment will not see the light of day if you do this. If you'd like information about advertising on this blog, or if you want me to review a toy that fits what my readers are requesting, please email me. If you try to spam my readers, I get very cranky and it doesn't do you any good anyway. (If you're an educational site or an author or sex educator, we do want to know about your site -- you're not spamming if you link.)

Toy charging frenzy

Needed: Your experiences and insights

I'm working on my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty (Cleis Press), and I'd like to include more comments from my age 50+ readers about any of these areas where you have strong opinions or useful experiences. (All questions apply to any gender or sexual orientation unless clearly targeted otherwise)

• What sexual activity did you discover after age 50 that became an important part of your sex life?
• What are the special LGBT issues related to sex & aging?
• How does your or your partner's body image play a role in enjoyment of sex?
• Straight older women are fearful about showing their bodies to a new partner – does that figure into the lesbian or gay male experience at all?
• Is “lesbian bed death” real, or a myth? Do committed relationships tend to become sexless?
• What medical conditions have impacted your sex life, and how have you dealt with them?
• If you're in a unsatisfying relationship, how do you decide whether to stay or go?
• What prompted a later-life break-up or divorce in your life?
• How did your doctor react when you brought up a sexual concern? Did your doctor ever say something ageist that led you to switch docs?
• If you were having sexual problems, resisted going to a doctor or therapist, then finally did, and there was a treatable explanation for the problem, tell me your story. 
• Your experiences with painful sex? What steps did you take to diagnose and treat the problem? What worked?
• First sex with a new partner: good, bad, worrisome, fabulous...?
• Your experiences with strap-on sex? 
• What helps you with decreased sensation?
• What didn't I ask that I should have?

This isn't a survey -- just choose a question that relates to you in a strong way, and write me your experience. You can either post it as a comment here, or email me privately. By doing either, you're giving me permission to use excerpts in my book if they fit. What you tell me may help others significantly.

If I use your comments in my book, I won't identify you in any way, and I'll be careful to delete any details that might lead someone else to identify you.

I'll continue to update this list when different topics come up.  In case you didn't see my previous request for your comments, check it out here.


Hope to hear from you.


Joan Price

Sex after 50 Applies to All Ages: Guest post by Penny

Joan and Penny

 Note from Joan: CatalystCon West 2013 was filled with amazing educators, new information, and a sense of community that I wish we could all feel everyday, everywhere. Normally I would write a synopsis of this conference, sharing what I learned.

 But this time, I give the floor to Penny, a remarkable, 26-year-old sex blogger, who attended the session I gave: The 5 Biggest Myths About Sex and Aging. She started this guest post on the plane going home, she told me, tearing up as she wrote it. I'm proud to share it -- and her -- with you here. With allies like Penny, we' can indeed change the world.

Why Sex after 50 Applies to All Ages: 

Guest post by Penny

I went into Joan Price’s panel The 5 Biggest Myths About Sex and Aging at CatalystCon with the attitude that I was going to take a leap and learn about something that doesn't apply to me, at least not yet. I told Joan this when we ran into each other in the hall before her panel, and she smiled and said with a chuckle, “Maybe you’ll find what I have to say useful in about 30 years.”

But I quickly realized that what Joan was teaching in her panel didn't only apply to people aged 50+ -- it was relevant to anyone, including myself now, at age 26.

The first myth that Joan debunked about sex and aging was the idea that what felt good to us in the past should still make us feel good now, and that when it doesn't, there must be something wrong, and we might as well just give up.

photo by Roman Roze

She explained that as our bodies change with age later in life, the ways we experience arousal and pleasure change as well, and that this is perfectly normal. She went over specifics, like the differing needs that seniors may require in a toy, such as very strong vibrations, the ability for the toy to last long enough to endure a longer cycle of arousal, ergonomically comfortable designs for arthritic hands, easy to use controls, etc.

Sure, Joan was describing the specific sexual needs of people outside of my age demographic, but the underlying message was universal: We must remember that sexuality is fluid and that it changes. Our bodies change, our lives change, our needs and wants change. Self-exploration is a continuous process.

I may not be 50 yet, but what turned me on when I started having sex at age 16 is dramatically different from what turns me on now. My challenges with arousal are not the same as senior challenges, but they’re there. Some weeks I feel down and emotional, and I don’t want to take the time to give myself the self-care that I need. I have moments when I think, why isn't this working like it usually does? Why can’t I just orgasm like I usually do?

Joan made me realize that in these moments, I need to give myself the compassion I would give a friend. If someone came to me and said something wasn't working for them, I would encourage them to keep trying because they deserve pleasure. I would try to help them find new ways to experience arousal and suggest new toys and techniques. I would also tell them that there is nothing wrong if something just isn’t working right now, and that pleasure and orgasms don’t always come easily.

Everyone deserves that encouragement and support. We must allow ourselves to exist as we are right now, instead of trying to conform to what society expects of us or even what we expect of ourselves.

Like this myth of feeling like an “alien in our own bodies” because we've changed, and we feel like we aren't ourselves anymore, everything Joan discussed was not only relevant to seniors, but to everyone. The importance of communication between partners, adaptation to change, making time for pleasure and practice, and continual commitment to self-care, sexual health, and sex education are always important.

Towards the end of her talk, Joan shared a personal story about her grief in losing her love and partner. Her words shook me deeply, and as tears streamed down my cheeks, my sniffles were echoed by a woman sitting near me. Grief is incredibly personal, and I cannot pretend to know what Joan has gone through, but in that moment I felt like her grief was somehow also mine. Grief for her loss, for everyone I've lost, and for myself and the deep fear I don’t usually even realize that I carry with me: that I am alone, that nothing is certain, and that any day could be my last or my partner’s last.

But as I listened to Joan share her story, I also felt her strength. She said that what lives on after us is what we pass on to others, what we give to people, what we share, our love and compassion. In that way, she said, we become immortal. I’m often so wrapped up in my own needs, wants, concerns, challenges, and privileges that I forget to seek out others’ experiences, to listen as much as I speak, and to share what I have.

As she ended her talk, Joan asked us all to help her with her cause, to speak out against ageism, to stop and say, "That’s not funny," if we hear malicious, ageist “jokes,” and to tell people that they are beautiful exactly as they are. In return, she offered up her own voice, to help us in whatever injustices we battle.

Her words echoed Yosenio V Lewis’s speech from the Opening Keynote, when he called us to take on someone else’s cause because it is our cause as well, to come together instead of staying in isolated groups, to collaborate and realize that we are all ultimately fighting for the same things: love, compassion, and acceptance. 

Penny is a freelance writer and photographer from Austin, Texas. She explores sexuality creatively through her blog Penny for Your (Dirty) Thoughts, which is known for its variety of writing, unique sex toy photography, and erotic self-portraiture.

Open letter to Miley Cyrus about sex after (gasp!) 40

Really, Miley Cyrus? You think sex ends at 40? You told Matt Lauer that at 55, he was "definitely not sexual"?

On what planet? Oh, right, the youth planet!

Miley, you could teach me plenty about fame, music, handling bad publicity, and, I suppose, twerking (if I thought that I needed it to feel sexy, which I don't, and if my 69-year-old back would handle it, which it wouldn't).

But I could teach you a thing or two about sex. 

My day job is writing and speaking about senior sex, which you think doesn't exist. Here are just a few facts about it:

• Sex can be better after 40, 50, and 60 than it ever was in our 20s. Then, we as young women were driven by hormones, anxious about our partners liking us or finding us sexy enough, and not terribly good at communicating what we needed to reach orgasm. Our partners, also hormone-driven, rushed to their own finish, often leaving us behind. Often, our fear of pregnancy outweighed our enjoyment.


• Now, we're no longer propelled by our hormones -- we're having sex for other reasons: sexual pleasure and release, intimacy, joy, bonding, emotional well-being, and about a gazillion other good reasons. We know how to slow down and enjoy the sensations and the feelings. 


• Is sex the same at 50 or 70 as it was when we were your age? No. We do have challenges. We also have the knowledge (or know where to find it, such as in my award-winning book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex) to overcome those challenges, and the communications skills to deal with them. 

If you'd like to discuss this or battle me in a televised face-off (with Matt Lauer moderating), please have your people contact my people. I'd be delighted.

Please slow down and hear this:

If you want your sexual exuberance to match mine three decades after age 40, start listening to your elders -- at least the ones who are winking at each other after hearing your statement about sex ending at 40!

Miley, I'll be happy to send you a copy of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty to further your education (and, I hope, delight you), if you send me your mailing address.

You're welcome.

Brian Alexander, a top sex and science journalist, interviewed me yesterday about this. Please read his smart and sassy article here. "You're going to laugh about what Miley Cyrus just said," he said when he called me. Yes, I laughed, I commented, and it got me so revved up that I had to expand my views here a day later. Thank you, Brian.

M age 46 seeks F 60-78

"Bravo on an interesting profile, and for being open to seeing a somewhat younger man," the message from "desire4mature" on OK Cupid began. "There is no better match when it all comes together between the right older woman and younger man. He will be a lucky man. I admire from afar, and I wish you well."

Afar? Yes, really afar. My suitor, "desire4mature," is 46, M, straight, available, and lives in London, United Kingdom (5335 miles from me). His message intrigued me, though, so I read his profile. It echoed the views of many men who have written to me for advice about connecting with older women -- but with such an articulate flair that I wrote to ask him for permission to quote from it. Here are some excerpts, with his permission:

...I seek a mature, ageless, energetic woman for undeniable chemistry...physical, emotional, and intellectual chemistry ...  

You are better today than you have ever been, more alive, more free, more wise and more sensual, still with unquenched desires. You are most likely over 60, completely ageless in mind and spirit, smart, well-preserved and fun.  

Are you are bursting with energy, but have difficulty finding a man your age who can match your liveliness? Do you want someone whom with whom you can be your true self, free and at ease, knowing you are accepted and desired no matter your age, with someone who accepts you as you are who sees your age and youthfulness and wisdom as assets to be treasured? ... Can you envision yourself in a passionate and intense love affair with a smart, youthful man who sees you as the beautiful and amazing woman you have become, who values your wisdom and life experience and zest and passion, who can harness your deep sensuality and match your desire, with no insecurities, welcoming you to realize your true Goddess nature?  If so, I would love to know you. 

You will feel and welcome my desire for you, for the woman you are today, not the woman you were 20 or 30 years ago. We both know how much better you are now, smarter, wiser, more accepting and free, more sensual and appreciative, more full of zest and life .... 

"So how is that working for you?" I had to ask him, explaining that my inquiry was less from prurient interest than from wanting to inform those of you who keep asking me about how to meet older women. Is a dating site like OK Cupid a good place?

"desire4mature" listed for me the many categories of women who would not respond to his ad, or who would not interest him, leaving a precious few who became his friends and then lovers. He said in an email,

It is a very rare woman that I end up talking to for a longer periods of time and then meeting and becoming lovers. Sexual health is very important too, so again, it's rare to get to that point for me, but I have, and have gloriously been rewarded to have known or know a small handful of truly amazing, incredible, sensual and beautifully sexual women, all 20 to 33 years older than me. I love and cherish them and always will.

My questions to my readers:

If you're the older woman, could you see yourself getting involved with a man like this one? What sort of screening test would you use to decide whether he was sincere and a good potential bed partner?

If you're the younger man, have you tried using an online dating site to find an older women who might be a good match for you?

If you're a man of our generation, what do you offer women our age that a younger man does not?

I welcome your comments.

====

Update 10/7/2013: I just received yet another email from a young man -- this one is 25 -- who wants to date "a granny." (I understand that in other countries, this isn't an offensive term -- though it makes me cringe.) His request for my advice had no caps, and many words were abbreviated ("frm," "lyk," "sm1," "whoz," "plz," for example). If he won't even take the time to communicate with me correctly, why would I think he has something to offer a woman my age?

Young men -- it's not that we're not savvy enough to read your text-speak -- we can read it. But approaching us this way does not make you appealing or interesting.  (For more info and a bit of ranting about this, please see this 2009 post.)

As always, I welcome your candid and thoughtful comments.*

* However, as always, do not try to hijack my readers to a toy store, escort service, porn site, or any site I haven't endorsed. Those comments are deleted before seeing the light of day. I wish the spammers would stop making me cranky.