10 Tips for Hot Solo Senior Sex

5/6/14: In honor of "Senior Sex Month" and "International Masturbation Month," I'm moving these tips, originally posted 12/24/10, to the top. We’re not all in sexual relationships, and self-pleasuring is so important at our age! Here are some tips for enjoying hot SOLO senior sex.  

10 Tips for Hot Solo Senior Sex

By Joan Price

Senior sex isn't just partner sex. Many of us don't have partners, yet keeping our sexual selves vibrant and health is crucial for many reasons. It's true that if we don't use it, we lose it -- and that's true for both women and men.

When we have less hormonal rush to stay sexual, especially if we're without a partner and maybe blue about that, we can fall into a pattern where we don't think as much about sexual pleasure, and we don't give it to ourselves. Arousal and orgasms may feel second-rate and inconsequential, and sometimes just too much trouble.

Instead, let's see our marvelous bodies as still capable of pleasure, and let's nurture that. We have the capacity -- and the responsibility! -- to keep ourselves fully functioning by pleasuring ourselves, discovering what feels good (it may have changed, so don't assume that of course you know) and what it takes to make our brains and body parts sing. Let's celebrate that we don't have to close down just because we're older and partnerless. Indeed, let's enjoy what we can offer ourselves.

Here are some tips for bringing the sizzle back to your sex life -- on your own!

1. Plan for solo sex. At this time of life, we need slow arousal and gradual build-up. So set aside enough private time to enjoy the journey without rushing. Set up whatever you need for comfort, such as special pillows. Shut off distractions like phone and computer, lock the door, and settle in for pleasure.

2. Enjoy solo sex during high energy times. When do you feel most sexually charged? When you first wake up? After morning coffee and a good poop? Mid-afternoon? That’s when to indulge in a solitary romp, rather than after a meal when you’re digesting or at night when your sensations are shutting down. When you feel the tingle, indulge it!

3. Create your own foreplay. Do sexy things that get you in the mood. Remember hot times with a special lover. Read erotica, play special songs, watch porn (or, if you prefer, a movie with a star who always turns you on), write sexy thoughts in your journal, take a waterproof vibrator into the bath or shower -- whatever starts your path to arousal. Appreciate, decorate, and celebrate your body with lingerie, silk, velvet, massage oil, candlelight--whatever feels good and puts you in the mood.

4. Use a silky lubricant. Don’t just settle for the drugstore variety -- there are many different varieties of lubricants for moisture and slickness that feel great and bring back the joy of friction, whether we’re using our hands or a toy. Experiment to find your favorites. Keep the lube within reach so you can reapply frequently.

5. Explore sex toys and other erotic helpers. Our hormonally challenged bodies may need extra help to reach orgasm these days, and our wrists may tire before we reach our goal. Women: try a clitoral vibrator, with or without a dildo, depending whether you like the feeling of a full vagina. (Read the many vibrator reviews on this blog to help you choose.) Men: try a sleeve, cock ring, or prostate stimulator. Lucky for us that sex toys for both genders are easy to find, fun to try, and wow, do they work!

6. Fantasize. Let yourself explore fantasy scenes and partners, no limits. Let your brain (your main sex organ!) indulge in whatever arouses you. Be open to whatever comes into your mind, even if it is something you would not do in real life or with someone you consider off limits. No fantasy is “wrong,” and no one has to know what images or scenarios turn you on. Just go with it.

7. Be physical in daily life. Walking, biking, dancing, yoga, Pilates, lifting weights, and other forms of exercise all enhance blood flow and get you in touch with your own physicality. This translates to your sexual arousal because the blood flows to your genitals as well as to your muscles, making arousal easier and faster. Plus you mentally feel “in your body.”

8. Realize that your solo practice not only gives you pleasure, it’s important for health. Experts recommend at least one orgasm a week for both men and women for genital health and for heart health as well. Weekly orgasms keep the pelvic floor strong and the nerves firing, boost the immune system, and reduce the risk of incontinence, depression, and heart disease. Men – regular orgasms are important for prostate health.

9. If you think you’re not in the mood, do it anyway. It’s too easy to put solo sex on the back burner, and once we’re out of the habit, it’s harder to get revved up again. This is especially true at our age, when our hormones are no longer screaming for release. So reread tips #1-8, and just do it. You’ll find that the physical arousal will happen, that that will trigger your emotional arousal, and that triggers more physical arousal, until it’s all working just right.

10. Don’t think of solo sex as “settling for” a substitute for partner sex. You’re celebrating your own sexuality, glorying in your body’s capability of pleasing you, and enjoying the journey. This is a gift you can give yourself whenever you want, and isn’t that wonderful?

(These tips are copyright 2010-2011 by Joan Price and may not be reprinted without permission from Joan Price. Thank you!)

Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty is available from www.joanprice.com (personally autographed) or from Amazon.

Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex is available from www.joanprice.com (personally autographed) -- be sure to let me know to whom to autograph it -- and by clicking the PayPal button below...

Or order from Amazon here.

May: Senior Sex Month + Masturbation month!

What a lovely coincidence! May is "International Masturbation Month," according to Good Vibrations. It's also "Senior Sex Month," thanks to Senior Planet, the senior site that advocates "aging with attitude" and is launching my new "Sex at Our Age" column this month. In this column, I'll answer reader questions about the realities and challenges of staying sexual in aging bodies.

I love that International Masturbation Month and Senior Sex Month happen at the same time. I propose that we combine the two! We're not all fortunate enough to be partnered at this time of our lives, and many of us who are in relationships are not having sex with our partners as much as we'd enjoy. Pleasuring ourselves is a way we can stay vigorously sexual, give ourselves wonderful jolts of joy, and enhance our health simultaneously.

Oh? You doubt that solo sex enhances health? Here are just a few of the benefits of sexual activity and orgasm with or without a partner that I list in The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life, coming soon from Cleis Press:

• Reduces stress
• Enhances mood
• Strengthens the immune system
• Helps fight infection and disease
• Lowers diastolic blood pressure
• Keeps sex organs healthy
• Improves blood flow
• Helps with sleep
• Relieves headaches and other body aches
• Relieves depression
• Reduces risk of heart disease
• Reduces risk of prostate cancer
• Relieves chronic pain
• Increases blood flow to the brain, increasing mental acuity
• Makes your skin glow
• Relaxes you
• Makes you happier
• Feels really good

Reasons not to self-pleasure? Hmm... Can't think of any.

And if you need an assist, check out the many dozens of sex toys I've reviewed from a senior perspective here -- keep scrolling down to "older posts" because there are about a hundred reviews. (Don't worry, you won't end up with a list of 100 toys to buy -- some of the products are horrid and you'll just laugh at those reviews. But the wonderful ones? Ah, your body will thank you for adding these to your sexual repertoire!)

My current fave, Palm Power 

Miriam Kura's Advice for Shy-When-Naked Women

Miriam Kura wrote me about her experience posing nude for photographs at age 60. Her experience was so empowering and delightfully sexy that I encouraged her to share it with you, along with the steps she followed to become comfortable enough to embrace this racy adventure. 

I invite you to post your comments. Enjoy!

-- Joan

For my 60th birthday, I asked my sex friend if he would take nude photos of me -- this was the youngest I was ever going to be again! We set a date to do it two weeks out.

During that time I looked on the Internet under “nude photos” and got ideas about props and poses, picking out what I thought fit my style – natural and elegant. I collected scarves, pearls, a white boa, a leather jacket, a man’s crisp white shirt, translucent white curtains, gold lace fabric.

When the day came, we had three hours of creative and collaborative fun. He took over 700 pictures! It was like adult arts and crafts. I felt beautiful, sensual, comfortable, sexy, at ease, and appreciated.

It was a gift I gave myself, and he gave to me. And we both enjoyed it immensely. I never could have pulled it off if I hadn’t prepared the year before to fully occupy my nude sexiness in these nine easy steps:

1. Believe your lover when he says that he loves the way your neck/ breasts/ waist/ legs/ butt/ hair/ face/ feet/ whatever looks.

2. Just do it. Look at yourself naked everyday, while you’re doing something else, like brushing your teeth. Get used to it. Blow-dry your hair while naked. Put on your makeup while naked. Make it part of your routine.

3. Go naked until it’s so normal that you don’t cringe any more.

4. Do it until you get curious about how you look at different angles.

5. Look at yourself in the mirror naked and try to see what he sees.

6. Do it until you sincerely enjoy looking at some part of yourself, with pleasure.

7. Walk naked around the house as you do some little chore, like put the wet towel from your shower into the dryer, or when you go to put some music on, or lay out your clothes. Work up to spending more time naked around the house.

8. Take time taking your clothes off when your lover sees you do it. Practice doing it in an unhurried manner. Then practice as though you enjoy him looking at you. Then start to actually enjoy it. Then flaunt it a little while he looks. Then give him a sly, proud, slow smile while you do it.

9. Ask him to take your clothes off – slowly.

This experience showed me that every body looks good from some angle. You just have to find it.  Some pictures were totally not complimentary. But overall we found the angles that worked. It was surprisingly fun to see myself as the art subject.

==========

Miriam Kura, 61, is a business owner who lives in Portland, Oregon. She contributed to the anthology, Ageless Erotica, edited by Joan Price. She is delighted to learn that sex in late mid-life is a whole lot more fun and meaningful than it was in earlier decades. 

Badly Behaved for Women's History Month 2014

Anna Gallagher, Publicity Assistant at Seal Press, invited Seal authors to send in a short video talking about our favorite feminist quote.

Anna will compile these into one video in honor of Women's History Month, and we'll share it widely as soon as it's ready.

I knew right away which quote I'd choose, and I had a ton of fun making my video!

Here's something you may not know about me: I don't wait very well. In fact, my motto used to be, "The only problem with instant gratification is that it takes too long." Clearly I couldn't wait to share my video with you. Anna said I could go for it -- so here it is:

Do you have a favorite quote for Women's History Month? If so, I hope you'll add it in a comment here.

3/18/14 update: Here's the finished video from Seal with the favorite quotes of many Seal authors. I love the Anais Nin quote!

"Oral Sex" in a vibrator? LELO Ora review

"Oh, please, please, please let me review the LELO Ora!" I begged the wonderful folks at Good Vibrations. A toy that simulates oral sex, made by the luxury vibrator company LELO, sounded like a winner.

The description and video (bottom) made it sound lovely: silicone, beautiful design, with a nubbin that worked as a simulated tip of the tongue -- swirling and flicking. Lots of patterns -- some with all-over vibrations plus the "tongue," some alternating, some just the tongue -- and an intensity setting that claimed to be 30% over the manual settings.

Great idea, lovely design, but Ora doesn't live up to the claims, at least in my bed. The tongue flicks and swirls are very nice, but the nub is so small and the motions are so delicate that they don't come close to doing the job for me. You might love it, if your clitoris is so sensitive that light flicking and swirling are all you need, but I I found the "tongue" way too subtle for any more than a nice warm-up. The vibrating patterns felt really good, especially at the strongest settings (which weren't turbo, but still very enjoyable), but at the highest vibrations, the flicks and swirls were barely noticeable. (See update #4 below.)

The box and the marketing messages claim an "ultra-intense power setting at the touch of a button." I couldn't find any "ultra intense" setting, because as many times as I pressed the "+" button, the highest setting was intense, but not what I'd call "ultra intense."

So maybe, I told myself,  I didn't understand how to find that highest setting.

I turned to the "user manual" and quickly became cranky: The so-called manual had warranty, safety and charging information for all LELO products  in 12 languages -- but nothing specific to this product and no instructions!

Finally I found it -- all but illegible with its itty bitty grey font on grey paper, it said to go to LELO.com and click on Customer Care to download the manual. Come on, a $169 toy can't have a page of instructions? A luxury sex toy company makes the "go to" notice practically impossible to read? Hello, LELO, I hope you're listening.

Here's where the LELO manuals are, so you don't have to hurt your eyes trying to find it. Except -- whoops! There is no manual for the Ora! I wrote to LELO:

Where is the user manual for Ora? It's not listed, and the included "manual" has no information whatsoever about using this specific product.

I had no problem figuring out how to turn it on, cycle through the patterns, and turn the intensity up or down. But how do I access that mysterious "ultra-intense power setting at the touch of a button" that the box advertises?

I got a prompt but unhelpful response from LELO, telling me how to turn the Ora on and off and cycle through the patterns. I knew that -- as I had told them. I still wanted to know where the "ultra-intense power setting" was that was supposed to gives 30% increase on the standard maximum power at the touch of a button. If we were just supposed to cycle the "+" button until it could go no higher, then tell us that!

Undaunted, I wrote to LELO again with that question. I added:

I have many sex toys, including many LELO products. I wonder how someone receiving this product as a first-timer would know how to use it when there are no instructions included, and the promised manual is not actually there.

2/10 update #1: LELO wrote me this:

Dear Sir or Madam, 

Thank you for your email. 

 If you press the center button, it will change mode, but if you press and hold it for 3 seconds, it will change to the ultra-intense power setting.

Aha, there's what I wanted to know. Why isn't this in the instructions? Oh, right, there are no instructions. Then why isn't this printed on the box? We're just supposed to intuit that we press and hold the center button for 3 seconds?

I'll try it and get back to you. Didn't want to make you wait for this piece of the puzzle.

2/11 update #2: LELO answered my "Why isn't this information provided on the box, in the instructions (whoops, there are no instructions), or in the video? How are users supposed to know this?" with this:

Our intention was let our customers "discover" it, however I will suggest our departments do some changes about the instruction in case more customers cannot find it.

2/21 update #3: Just received a lovely, personal email from Kathryn Catney, Communication Specialist at LELO, who actually read my review here (and is a "big fan" of my blog). She apologized for the lack of instructions and the useless responses from the Customer Care rep. She said that I must have received an early sample (true), and that all the purchased Oras come with a full "How to Use" manual, which is now online here.

2/26 update #4: 
I've retested Ora twice with the new knowledge of how to find the "ultra-intense power setting." Yes, it's better with that setting, definitely. However, the shape of the vibrator, while gorgeous and enabling it to stand upright when not in use, prevented it from working right for me. The "tongue tip" section is recessed. I would have preferred that it balloon from the vibrator rather than recede. The vibrating ring of the vibrator was very nice, but the "tongue" part was still barely noticeable. Sorry, LELO. 

We're all different shapes and sizes, including our genitals, so this might be just right for you. Clearly a lot of research, development, and attention to design went into this lovely product. It felt nice, yes, but in the end, it didn't do the job.

All in all, I think the Ora is a great idea, but if your idea of the perfect vibrator is the Magic Wand (reviewed here), you'll be disappointed. However, if you prefer a lighter touch and the idea of subtle swirls and flicks makes you quiver, the Ora might become your new best friend.

Thank you, Good Vibrations, for sending me the Ora and always being supportive of older-age sexuality.

Seeking LGBT reader quotes

Update: The book is done and going through the publishing process. Thank you for your help!

Needed: more LGBT reader quotes for my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty (to be published Dec. 2014 by Cleis Press).

This book will be a valuable self-help guide for people over 50 of all gender identities and sexual orientations. However, right now, most of the experiences, comments, and questions that readers have sent me are heterosexually focused.

Can you help me fix that?

If you're over 50, identify as LGBT, and you're willing to share comments for publication, please email me or comment here with a few sentences about your experiences or views about any of these that strike your fancy. (Don't try to answer them all -- choose one or two and send me a paragraph.) Please include your age.

• What has changed about your sexuality lately?
• How has aging affected your sexual behavior, attitude, and enjoyment? 
• What are the special LGBT issues related to sex and aging?
• How do you keep the spark going in a long-time relationship?
• If you're single now, how does age impact finding a partner or having sex with a new partner? 
• What myth about sex and aging would you like to change?
• What medical conditions have impacted your sex life, and how have you dealt with them?
• How did your doctor react when you brought up a sexual concern? Did your doctor ever say something that offended you or led you to switch docs?
• If you were having sexual problems, resisted going to a doctor or therapist, then finally did, and there was a treatable explanation for the problem, tell me your story.
• What else would you like to share?

By emailing me or posting a comment here, you're giving me permission to use excerpts in my book if they fit. What you tell me may help others significantly.

If I use your comments, I won't identify you in any way, and I'll be careful to delete any details that might lead someone else to identify you.

Thank you for helping me make this book the best and most inclusive guide to sex and aging!

-- Joan Price 

Valentine's Day Reflection

For many of us who have had many decades of relationships, Valentine's Day is a time to reflect.

Personally, I am glad for every relationship in my life, whether or not it turned out to be right for me. Each one helped me refine who I was, what I had to give a partner, what I was looking for, and what sustained me and stimulated me vs. what boxed me in or hurt me.

I've remained close friends with past lovers and my first husband, and I treasure them in my life now. These are men whom I've loved and love still, and I know they feel that way about me, too.

Other past lovers I've lost touch with, but would love to bring back for a conversation about the past and the present.

Of course Valentine's Day is also about missing Robert, as it is for you if you've lost your love. But instead of today being all about loss, let's let it be about what we've found over our long life of loving.

I'd love to involve you in a discussion of how we see past and present relationships, what we've learned from them, what we see -- or hope to see -- in our future. Please comment and get the conversation going.

If you don't want to use your name, please identify yourself with a first name of your choice -- let's not have a string of comments from "Anonymous," okay? Please include your age.

(Do I really need to say that "please comment" is NOT an invitation to be spammed by purveyors of pills, porn, jelly toys, escorts, or other products and services? I moderate comments, and my community trusts me to keep the spammers out of the conversation. If, on the other hand, you're an author, educator, or blogger in a relevant field, I'm happy to have you include a link with your comment.)